For a Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic

I don't really know when it is that I woke up and everything was ok, I think it was that last time that I let everything out....only I didn't. I know there's so many things left to fix and so many problems that are forming in my head and out. It's ok it really is. I guess I just realized that everything can be a last time. The last "hello", the last "I love you", the last "goodbye". How could I live with myself if I took it all for granted? I couldn't. That's the honest truth.

Every possible thing that could go wrong did, I lost someone that I loved more than the world itself and the people that I had first cared for as family had dropped me like it was a meaningless task. The only thing I kept saying was, "It WON'T get better", "Before this year ends it will become everything that I hoped it wouldn't be." For one split second I gave up hope and didn't want to bother trying anymore. It wasn't worth it, none of it was worth it, I no longer meant anything to anyone so why bother?

I was scared, that was my biggest thing. Fear wasn't something I often felt....that scared me the most. What was I gonna do when I left? I had no idea, for once in my life I hadn't the slightest clue where I was headed in life. I was always the person that everybody needed, the person that everybody came to with every disappointment in life no matter how big or small it didn't matter....I still am. But, for how long? Until high school ended? Until college ended? How long until the only person who needs me..is me? Of course my family loves me, I know that, but once I left they would no longer need me, it's just the reality. So it's true I have grown familiar with the notion that everyone leaves.

Why did I care so much? Why do I? All everybody ever does is prove me right. Every last person that I hoped wouldn't, DID. So why do I care so much? Why do I have so much faith in people when no one gives me a reason to?

Sometimes I dream of running away from everything and everyone. Who would miss me? Who would be happy I left? I don't know, I can never answer that question.

I'll write another day, it's too much right now. I won't be scared again. I won't go back to that place.

"Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while
You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape." Relient K

Because of You

So I can't even begin to explain how many times you've won. How many times I've let myself believe that I ruined everything, that I'm the fuck-up. And you know that about me, you were the first person I ever let in and you took advantage of every single thing you learned about me. You used me, you turned the people closest to my heart against me and made sure that when you decided to leave, my heart would be left broken and bleeding. You know how much it hurts, you know how much I cared for you.


You know that in every friendship or relationship I've ever had I've ALWAYS blamed myself for everything that went wrong. It's what I do, when I say it's my fault, I mean it because it always is. I'm the reason everything falls apart because there was always one more thing I could have done to stop it and that kills me inside. I know you feel guilt, you are hurtful but still human and still I believe there is a part of you that knows you let go of someone that would've always been there to catch you.


You threw every single thing you ever did for me in my face and I responded with nothing. I said what I felt...hurt, shocked, broken, but never once did I fight back, never once did I name all the things I did for YOU, never once did I tell you that you didn't have the smallest right to call me selfish after what I sacrificed. Everything I did WAS for you not me, or have you honestly convinced yourself that I actually did something for myself for once?


Funny....that's what you wanted, you wanted me to finally think of myself for once and stop worrying so much about every body's feelings and when I was honest with you what good came of it? Then again from what you told me it's what you wanted for a long time. It was a revelation, it uncovered all the lies, all the broken promises, it showed me the person that you could be and that in reality you could turn against anyone, no matter how much they had done for you.


You were my hope for man kind, my little shred of proof that people aren't always what everybody judges them to be and in that one moment, the one when I found it was all a lie, those hopes all came crashing down. I spiraled to disaster and almost lost all faith in humanity because without my knowing I had put it into your hands to hold and keep safe and you had thrown it over your shoulder without the slightest desire to look back.


You proved to me what I had known all along, no one truly cares, they would save themselves before saving you anytime, they would gladly run away when things got too difficult, they would kick you when your at your lowest and then stand over you and laugh at your pain. Because many people thrive on cruelty, they feed off of it and even the people that you think you know the best have the power to completely betray you in one short instance.


I will never be you, i will never let the ones I love, perish as I walk away unscathed. You see that's the difference between you and I. I will always surrender everything to those I love and you will only run in fear never surrendering a single thing. You will keep running, leaving disaster wherever you go, wreaking havoc upon innocent hearts that will plead to protect you, not knowing you will ultimately cast them aside as if they meant nothing to you. If only you knew all the things I never said so that you would not feel pain. All the words that went unspoken and the feelings that were buried.


The last thing you called me was selfish, that I had changed and only thought of myself and that was the thing you convinced everybody around you. That I used you and I was constantly causing you pain and agony. And of course the money was brought up on several occasions, for gas, the thing that was bought for us to do things together. I didn't need anything from you at all, nothing but your friendship, I could have taken care of everything else myself, but you never said ANYTHING, all you said was you wanted to, that if I needed it you would give it to me and foolish as I was I believed you...never again.


When everything begins to unravel the harsh reality is that you will be left standing alone because the people you will eventually surround yourself with, in the midst of your destructive behavior will be just like you, merely pretenders and then you'll see yourself for who you truly are.


One day you will find an envelope, a simple piece of mail on you're doorstep, in it a large sum of money and written on top of it, seven simple words..

"For everything you ever wasted on me."