For a Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic

I don't really know when it is that I woke up and everything was ok, I think it was that last time that I let everything out....only I didn't. I know there's so many things left to fix and so many problems that are forming in my head and out. It's ok it really is. I guess I just realized that everything can be a last time. The last "hello", the last "I love you", the last "goodbye". How could I live with myself if I took it all for granted? I couldn't. That's the honest truth.

Every possible thing that could go wrong did, I lost someone that I loved more than the world itself and the people that I had first cared for as family had dropped me like it was a meaningless task. The only thing I kept saying was, "It WON'T get better", "Before this year ends it will become everything that I hoped it wouldn't be." For one split second I gave up hope and didn't want to bother trying anymore. It wasn't worth it, none of it was worth it, I no longer meant anything to anyone so why bother?

I was scared, that was my biggest thing. Fear wasn't something I often felt....that scared me the most. What was I gonna do when I left? I had no idea, for once in my life I hadn't the slightest clue where I was headed in life. I was always the person that everybody needed, the person that everybody came to with every disappointment in life no matter how big or small it didn't matter....I still am. But, for how long? Until high school ended? Until college ended? How long until the only person who needs me..is me? Of course my family loves me, I know that, but once I left they would no longer need me, it's just the reality. So it's true I have grown familiar with the notion that everyone leaves.

Why did I care so much? Why do I? All everybody ever does is prove me right. Every last person that I hoped wouldn't, DID. So why do I care so much? Why do I have so much faith in people when no one gives me a reason to?

Sometimes I dream of running away from everything and everyone. Who would miss me? Who would be happy I left? I don't know, I can never answer that question.

I'll write another day, it's too much right now. I won't be scared again. I won't go back to that place.

"Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while
You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape." Relient K