I Believe in Nothing but the Beating of Our Hearts...I Believe in Nothing but the Truth of Who We Are

So I've been meaning to blog for quite a while now, but every time I went to type something I'd either lose motivation or get distracted, this is the first time in a while that I've been home alone, left with only the resounding thoughts within my mind. So how to recap the last few months... Realistically I can't, so much has happened, losing touch with some friends, gaining stronger bonds with others, and crazy relationship drama that almost made me write one or two drunken blogs. I wouldn't have regretted it, but rather I realized it wasn't worth writing about for it would've only worsened my state of mind at the time, and God knows I didn't need to do that.

So what is there big and important to say? I fell in love with her, oddly enough we met the same day as I met my other favorite girl, but things always seem to have patterns in my life as strange as that may seem. Well...some arguments, a few dates, two sketches, a promise ring, and most recently and diamond necklace later, somehow this crazy relationship has held together. Do we love each other? Yes, in an unconventional, unorthodox way, but nonetheless we do. Will that change? Without question. And will we end up with other people? There's not a doubt in my mind. Can I/Do I love other people? Possibly/most definitely there's something that's always ran through my mind.

And is it possible to love more than one? Well of course it is, if one believes there is multiple soul mates in the world for us, then as unlikely as it is to find even one, it is possible to find more than one. Even if you don't believe in multiple soul mates, there is always the question of, if you can love someone like a sister and someone like a mother, someone like a cousin and someone like a best friend, well then in a world where nothing is black and white, one that is made up of many shades and hues, is it not possible to fall in love with more than one person? And love them at different intensities, for different reasons, that are not in any way reasonable?

So I do love him, he's a complete sweetheart and there is physical attraction there, but of course the intensity of my love for him fails in comparison to what I feel for all three of them. As harsh as this sounds, it's somewhat like placing a diamond next to stars, it will still have brilliancy, but will not come close to the shimmer of the stars around it, and yet it holds it own unique value.

Her I love because even though we're miles apart there seems to be no one that understands me better, I do question if we would be together, if she only lived closer or even be soul mates, but that one day is going to determine the true intensity of our relationship beyond being just friends.

She's just a mystery, and of course in this situation I always question timing, it always seemed to be about timing, whether it was when we met, how fast things moved, what point we were in our lives and even things as simple as not being home at the right time, but of course there is nothing I would change, things happened(even if it's not the case in some situations), in this case I believe everything happened for reason.

I lost that one important thing, that I had kept for so long, the thing that caused a fight between him and I. It was a mix of feelings both physical and mental, and if I could go back I wouldn't, the relationship between us was always complicated. There was always this sense of wonderment, one of those, "If I don't take a chance, I'm always going to wonder what could've been." He's far from perfect, but somehow there was always something that drew me to him, this sort of attraction, at this point I don't know if things will ever be the same or even if I'll ever see him again, but of course he's someone I will never forget.

And of course of everything that happened in 2009 I can't forget, Marcella Dawson, a great woman and an even greater, grandmother, mother and of course wife, she passed on December 19th which in my eyes and the eyes of my family, caused the world to be less of a place. And of course once again, this sent my mind on a wild train of thoughts, but of all the thoughts that crossed my mind one stuck out the most, and that is the fact that every day someone dies, everyday the world stops for a husband or wife somewhere, a father or a mother, a son or a daughter, to them it's as if the whole world should be grieving their loss because how can such an amazing person be gone forever? But, the world doesn't stop it keeps going as it must, because if the world stopped for every person that left this Earth, we would be permanently frozen in time. However, this isn't what makes the passing of a loved one any less or more important, what makes it so important isn't whether or not the whole country or world hears about it, or even how many people that person knew, it's the strength of the impact that person had on others lives, not in teaching, but in love and compassion, after all as it is said, one true friend is worth more than all the acquaintances in the world.

So that was the rest of my year in a nut shell. Sure I left out the holidays, and the crazy nights, but I guess my life always seems hectic, writing about all the insane nights I had would simply be too much. There is one more recent thought in my mind though, it's what put the idea in my mind to blog in the first place, last night I had a dream....

In this dream there was a lot of things that didn't make sense, things like hugging him as he lay on top of me facing the ceiling, while he lay next to me, he turned in my arms facing me and complimented me and I could tell there was one thing on his mind...sex. It was strange because I rarely see him, only occasionally when I go to his house...but he does play guitar and I always thought he was really cute, so perhaps it was the meaning behind it and the intentions of a man, my minds attempt at making a connection between the two situations and showing me that it's still present in my thoughts. Still...what a strange way of my brain communicating these thoughts to me.

Then she was present in my dreams the odd thing? I can't remember how, I know I dreamt of her but it's as if she was far away, and the lack of contact made our interaction forgettable it was the first thing I dreamt about, but also the first thing to leave my mind...maybe the lack of communication and general face to face interaction between us translated into my dreams.

Then there was this one part of my dream that came to me immediately when I woke to my phone buzzing this morning. We were in my room and this interaction seemed very vivid and real for some reason. We sat Indian style side by side finally watching that movie on my huge computer screen, I can't remember actually seeing the movie, but I knew what it was for some reason. At one point we started joking around and I ended up holding her left hand in my left hand and her right in my right, the moment went from light to serious when I decided to stop wrestling and I just held her hands in place, my heart raced and nerves seem to kick in full blast and then she did something I didn't expect. With her right hand still held in mine she reached up and touched my chin, I shook from an inexplicable cold chill that was overtaking me, it felt like fear, but it wasn't fear of what was happening it was a fear in the back of my mind. She then pulled her hand away from my face back down with mine onto her lap released my left hand and laced it over my right hand so my right hand was between both of her hands, the chilling cold went away and was immediately replaced by a warmth. I felt safe, I felt the fear in the back of my mind dissipate because that's when I realized..even if things changed we wouldn't lose what we had, after all...we did it once before.

"Your defenses were on high, your walls built deep inside.....Was it a dream? Was it a dream? Is this the only evidence that proves it?..."