Because of You

So I can't even begin to explain how many times you've won. How many times I've let myself believe that I ruined everything, that I'm the fuck-up. And you know that about me, you were the first person I ever let in and you took advantage of every single thing you learned about me. You used me, you turned the people closest to my heart against me and made sure that when you decided to leave, my heart would be left broken and bleeding. You know how much it hurts, you know how much I cared for you.


You know that in every friendship or relationship I've ever had I've ALWAYS blamed myself for everything that went wrong. It's what I do, when I say it's my fault, I mean it because it always is. I'm the reason everything falls apart because there was always one more thing I could have done to stop it and that kills me inside. I know you feel guilt, you are hurtful but still human and still I believe there is a part of you that knows you let go of someone that would've always been there to catch you.


You threw every single thing you ever did for me in my face and I responded with nothing. I said what I felt...hurt, shocked, broken, but never once did I fight back, never once did I name all the things I did for YOU, never once did I tell you that you didn't have the smallest right to call me selfish after what I sacrificed. Everything I did WAS for you not me, or have you honestly convinced yourself that I actually did something for myself for once?


Funny....that's what you wanted, you wanted me to finally think of myself for once and stop worrying so much about every body's feelings and when I was honest with you what good came of it? Then again from what you told me it's what you wanted for a long time. It was a revelation, it uncovered all the lies, all the broken promises, it showed me the person that you could be and that in reality you could turn against anyone, no matter how much they had done for you.


You were my hope for man kind, my little shred of proof that people aren't always what everybody judges them to be and in that one moment, the one when I found it was all a lie, those hopes all came crashing down. I spiraled to disaster and almost lost all faith in humanity because without my knowing I had put it into your hands to hold and keep safe and you had thrown it over your shoulder without the slightest desire to look back.


You proved to me what I had known all along, no one truly cares, they would save themselves before saving you anytime, they would gladly run away when things got too difficult, they would kick you when your at your lowest and then stand over you and laugh at your pain. Because many people thrive on cruelty, they feed off of it and even the people that you think you know the best have the power to completely betray you in one short instance.


I will never be you, i will never let the ones I love, perish as I walk away unscathed. You see that's the difference between you and I. I will always surrender everything to those I love and you will only run in fear never surrendering a single thing. You will keep running, leaving disaster wherever you go, wreaking havoc upon innocent hearts that will plead to protect you, not knowing you will ultimately cast them aside as if they meant nothing to you. If only you knew all the things I never said so that you would not feel pain. All the words that went unspoken and the feelings that were buried.


The last thing you called me was selfish, that I had changed and only thought of myself and that was the thing you convinced everybody around you. That I used you and I was constantly causing you pain and agony. And of course the money was brought up on several occasions, for gas, the thing that was bought for us to do things together. I didn't need anything from you at all, nothing but your friendship, I could have taken care of everything else myself, but you never said ANYTHING, all you said was you wanted to, that if I needed it you would give it to me and foolish as I was I believed you...never again.


When everything begins to unravel the harsh reality is that you will be left standing alone because the people you will eventually surround yourself with, in the midst of your destructive behavior will be just like you, merely pretenders and then you'll see yourself for who you truly are.


One day you will find an envelope, a simple piece of mail on you're doorstep, in it a large sum of money and written on top of it, seven simple words..

"For everything you ever wasted on me."