Eradicate My Heart For I'll Destroy It With My Own Unattainable Desire, Just Keep Breathing

"Sweet red cherry blossom tree
that lives in both you and me
You marked your name
but I can see, its not on me
So I've shamelessly gone
and made myself come undone
Heavy hangs my head when I'm Unhearted."

"You're really sweet, I hope you fall in love with someone who loves you just as much"

Such sweet words from such a good girl and I know she means them, an actual friend I have been able to speak to about the thoughts I struggle with and the turmoils of my heart. I can only hope, more so than her for those word's fulfillment. It's simply amazing where we end up, the things you go after are always just out of reach and the one's you don't want seem to pile one after the other, strangling you, suffocating you as you lay in their grasp. But, I do suppose that those who you sought after are being affected in such ways by you, in a sensible world that is...then again whoever called the world in which we reside, sensible by any means? There is of course the things that escape you, the places where you never thought to look, that which you want but never cared to glance at, the unexpected so to speak and that is the simple shred of hope that keeps me a hopeless romantic.


I'm miserable at best but no one would ever guess in the overjoyed way that I carry myself, in my effortless composure. But it's not effortless is it? Everyday I awake and bury a part of myself in order to prevent my very own destruction. Why pretend though? Why not show my true face?....Why should I when no one cares? Whether I show the truth or lie it will make no difference, everything will remain unchanged and the past will still exist merely in the past.


I feel it overcoming more than ever now, that intense selfishness, the one that calls me into seclusion and bids me to deceive, to protect myself, to ensure that I will never be hurt. There lies consequences in every decision, to love is to risk not being loved in return, to hope is to risk pain, to try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard of all is to risk nothing. I have learned that if you stand still nothing will change and you will go nowhere in life. So why do I remain intent on standing exactly where I have been for so long? Because I have remained here so long, I have forgotten what movement is and fear there is no surface around me, this meaning...if I step...will I fall?


Oh how I could never admit to you how you truly and completely destroyed my life, without even meaning to in your own selfishness. How could you do that to me? Your baby girl, your only daughter. It sickens me that you don't even feel the slightest remorse for your actions, that you carry on as a bottom feeder as I narrowly miss taking your path and losing everything that means anything to me. I struggle with my demons, fighting my own conscience to hold tight what has done me good, those I love and wish to trust. But it will never be full, all because of you will it? I will never trust whole-heartedly...or love, you shattered that for me didn't you? After all if you could only love me in such a conditional way, what other human being could possibly love me unconditionally? As is proven right, over and over again, by anyone I have dared to reveal my vulnerability to.


You know I blame myself everyday, for all of it. I try to rationalize it in a logical sense, but this will never be logical, on the contrary it will only exist as illogical. Who I am has always been the fullest sense of the word. My mind could not get more complicated, so I do not often follow it's thoughts. I lead my actions with my heart, for at least then I know they are pure, unlike what yours have been. I find myself retracing your steps at times and I deviate making my own, for I will not let myself become in any which way what you are.


Not good enough, that's what my beating heart shouts at me. Not good enough for him, not good for her, not good enough for anybody else. What has happened to me? In a matter of months everything that I fought so hard to hide from my very own thoughts has come seeping out, flooding my very being and being exposed to those that surround me, piece by piece. I haven't the slightest clue how much longer I can last, how much longer these oceans can be held by nets, I only know that it won't be forever. I'm fighting the tides and it's a losing battle, so I swim in an attempt to escape and all along I just keep breathing.


~Crystal Calamitous~

Turn Up the Music and Drown It Out Because Nothing's Worse Than This Sound

Overflowing with thoughts...as if this is something new for me.

"You are incapable of loving someone if you can't love yourself," she says.

Cliche? Yes. True? Who can say?

"Not everyone is the same you can't place all of humanity in the same category, maybe there is such a selfless love where you would undoubtedly give anything and everything blindly. Maybe there comes a day where you fall unconditionally and irrevocably in love with someone without reason." Is what I say.

"That's foolish," is what I think to myself, "crazy even," another hushed thought.

There was other words exchanged and still I left the discussion, views unaltered.

Love. Simply a four letter word and yet, it is the meaning behind it that holds significance. It is sacrifice, it IS selflessness and an inexplicable connection immediately, a sense of trust without time and a closeness that cannot be forgotten. There does not exist a moment where you put yourself before that other person because as it is said, "To the world you are but one person...but to one person you are the world." I hold those words close to my heart.

How can one continue to have such faith in humanity in a world like ours? I could never answer that question for I wonder sometimes how long I myself can hold on to that faith. It's been slipping lately I've even contemplated changing schools, starting new, getting away from my past, although I'm not one to run. That looming feeling of unfathomable loneliness is overcoming me, one that could not be satisfied in the most populated of places.

She says it will fade and I lay there studying her face, I see nothing but truth in her crystal blue eyes and slight relief washes over me momentarily. Then I think of the past and I know it will take a lot longer than she anticipates, perhaps longer than I do. I see a solution, starting over, but is that an impossibility? I cannot be sure. At this point she has become my unattainable dream, so where so we go from here? Only time will tell. For now I will simply drown out the noise with music, as I have always done.

And when you're spinnin' round and round I'm the psycho goin outta control

Lie, trick, deceive, all things that are considered wrong and of a bad nature, or so it would seem. We are all guilty of committing these wrong deeds at least once and I of course am no different. You have now grown the conception that I have done them merely for what they symbolize, to hurt, and cause misery, but I haven't at least not this particular time.

The only one I hurt was myself and I have no regrets, I planned it from the moment I knew there would be confusion involved, any hint of inner struggles and I slowly got into character as I have always done to spare others. I guess that's the advantage of being an actress, no one really has to know the truth unless you allow them to see it. Have I just revealed my secret? Seemingly yes, but these words will never have meaning for the task has been accomplished.

I did it for you and I did it for her, it seems crazy I know but I would rather you both be happy and yes if I must be engulfed in the chaos I will gladly throw myself among it and assure you that there is no choice. There never was and there never will be, but I wanted you to ostracize me, I did - give you reason to detach yourself not make you feel guilt because you have no reason to. Why do I sabotage myself and the chances I am given? Because I truly believe that no person will ever be fully satisfied with seeing who I am.

Cancer, known as the sensitive sign, but with time grows a harder shell, good right? No because it is true with time I have become stronger but with that shell came detachment, encasement. Trust issues? That would perhaps be the largest understatement I have ever heard, more than anyone will ever know. With the betrayal I have endured, my tears have run dry and I no longer cry for things that once felt so significant, but now I face something worse than hurt, I face isolation.

Whoever knew that in a crowd of hundreds, even when having the best time of your life, you could feel so very alone? I've closed off the world, my friends, my family, nobody really has any idea anymore, because of what? Fear? What am I so afraid of? Oh yeah, everyone proving me right, like they always do. It is true I tricked you into proving me right, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that somewhere in my subconcious thoughts...I wanted you to be the one person to prove me wrong.