Eradicate My Heart For I'll Destroy It With My Own Unattainable Desire, Just Keep Breathing

"Sweet red cherry blossom tree
that lives in both you and me
You marked your name
but I can see, its not on me
So I've shamelessly gone
and made myself come undone
Heavy hangs my head when I'm Unhearted."

"You're really sweet, I hope you fall in love with someone who loves you just as much"

Such sweet words from such a good girl and I know she means them, an actual friend I have been able to speak to about the thoughts I struggle with and the turmoils of my heart. I can only hope, more so than her for those word's fulfillment. It's simply amazing where we end up, the things you go after are always just out of reach and the one's you don't want seem to pile one after the other, strangling you, suffocating you as you lay in their grasp. But, I do suppose that those who you sought after are being affected in such ways by you, in a sensible world that is...then again whoever called the world in which we reside, sensible by any means? There is of course the things that escape you, the places where you never thought to look, that which you want but never cared to glance at, the unexpected so to speak and that is the simple shred of hope that keeps me a hopeless romantic.


I'm miserable at best but no one would ever guess in the overjoyed way that I carry myself, in my effortless composure. But it's not effortless is it? Everyday I awake and bury a part of myself in order to prevent my very own destruction. Why pretend though? Why not show my true face?....Why should I when no one cares? Whether I show the truth or lie it will make no difference, everything will remain unchanged and the past will still exist merely in the past.


I feel it overcoming more than ever now, that intense selfishness, the one that calls me into seclusion and bids me to deceive, to protect myself, to ensure that I will never be hurt. There lies consequences in every decision, to love is to risk not being loved in return, to hope is to risk pain, to try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard of all is to risk nothing. I have learned that if you stand still nothing will change and you will go nowhere in life. So why do I remain intent on standing exactly where I have been for so long? Because I have remained here so long, I have forgotten what movement is and fear there is no surface around me, this meaning...if I step...will I fall?


Oh how I could never admit to you how you truly and completely destroyed my life, without even meaning to in your own selfishness. How could you do that to me? Your baby girl, your only daughter. It sickens me that you don't even feel the slightest remorse for your actions, that you carry on as a bottom feeder as I narrowly miss taking your path and losing everything that means anything to me. I struggle with my demons, fighting my own conscience to hold tight what has done me good, those I love and wish to trust. But it will never be full, all because of you will it? I will never trust whole-heartedly...or love, you shattered that for me didn't you? After all if you could only love me in such a conditional way, what other human being could possibly love me unconditionally? As is proven right, over and over again, by anyone I have dared to reveal my vulnerability to.


You know I blame myself everyday, for all of it. I try to rationalize it in a logical sense, but this will never be logical, on the contrary it will only exist as illogical. Who I am has always been the fullest sense of the word. My mind could not get more complicated, so I do not often follow it's thoughts. I lead my actions with my heart, for at least then I know they are pure, unlike what yours have been. I find myself retracing your steps at times and I deviate making my own, for I will not let myself become in any which way what you are.


Not good enough, that's what my beating heart shouts at me. Not good enough for him, not good for her, not good enough for anybody else. What has happened to me? In a matter of months everything that I fought so hard to hide from my very own thoughts has come seeping out, flooding my very being and being exposed to those that surround me, piece by piece. I haven't the slightest clue how much longer I can last, how much longer these oceans can be held by nets, I only know that it won't be forever. I'm fighting the tides and it's a losing battle, so I swim in an attempt to escape and all along I just keep breathing.


~Crystal Calamitous~