November 8th at one in the morning I wrote this, completely out of my mind and overcome by one of many bad habits, I decided not to post it but why? That's not me I don't hide I face things whether they can break me down or not....

"My inhibitions are beyond reach right now, honestly I probably won't even remember writing this by tomorrow morning, but i could care less. All these vices are taking over and only pure desire courses through my veins. This will most likely be the only time I will ever write so informally and incorrectly merely because this is only raw emotion being poured out into paper. Vulgar is also synonymous with addiction, as in the ones that I have succumb to.I couldn't answer even to this moment if someone asked me why I fell in love, only that I did and I fell hard. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking though. In case no one has ever told you, love is the most contradictory of feelings. Sure when you're on top of cloud nine, the grass could never be greener and the sky ever clearer, but the heart break makes up for it because of course someone who could have the ability to put you in that state of euphoria could just as easily make you wish you didn't exist, make you feel like your best will never be good enough and anything that will reach their standards is well out of your reach. How is that possible? Far be it for me to make sense out of the unreasonable."

Now it is November 30th and that seems like a reverie, a delusion. I struck myself hard, I blame myself again, so what better thing to do than hurt the enabler? The silvery demon brushes against my skin and the vexation spews out as if it never belonged there, as if it is foreign to my body it leaks furiously tempting me to free it, whispering secrets that tell of the possibilities which come with it's release. It brushes me continuously soothing the pain and calming my aching chest, my heart beat softens from it's previous inexplicable frenzy and it reverts to normal beating. Like a lullaby, it beckons me to follow it, to remain in this bliss and never let it end, but those I love call me back, their piercing screams drowning out the soft lullaby and just like that the pain returns and rips me from my sweet 'almost' slumber, the harsh reality overcomes me, head spins from the deadly struggle and my stomach turns searching for that same familiar release but I stop it knowing I won't experience the same effect. It's just begun, but in a way it's finally over, I know now what I was looking for and now that I've found it I have to run the other way, towards that same old sanity that has become a distant memory. It won't be long now, it won't be long til it's all over.

"And It'll never be fair,
I wrote my songs for you
and you never even cared,
so I'll forget you
I'll wash your T-shirt
kill the pillow and
cut you out of pictures"

Now it will be the new and the newer and I won't go back there again, for if I do the silvery demon will drown out the piercing screams and pull me into it's waiting arms. Formerly known as...