Heaven's Not a Place That You Go When You Die, It's That Moment in Life When You Actually Feel Alive...So Live For the Moment

Here we go again...Here I am sitting in front of this stupid computer spilling my heart out and playing my guitar and listening to music all for the same purpose to retain my sanity to keep going and not have to actually say anything to anybody. This is how it used to be, me and my music and reverberating sounds coming from the four walls around me, there was no one I could actually trust and I keep telling myself I want it to be like that again, I keep questioning if the pain that people ultimately cause is worth letting them into your life to help you patch up a sew cuts along the way. But I know that's not what I want, I keep fooling myself and distracting myself and whatever other form of lying to yourself there is because the fact is with all I have as completely selfish as this sounds I'm not happy...The truth being as much of a brave face as I put on for everybody, I'm scared out of my mind, of everything that's coming, of feeling like I'm never going to move on from something that was over before it began and feeling like when you really, truly love someone you can let them be happy with whoever it is that makes them happy, but questioning whether or not I'm strong enough to deal with the pain that I pretend doesn't exist, but now even more I'm scared that between all this lying to myself and trying to be better for everyone else and hiding things so that people can have me there for them, even though I let them believe that it doesn't bother me when they don't ask if I'm falling apart too, I'm scared that between all that I'll lose myself completely..

It's funny, I had the most random flashback yesterday, I thought back to last year just before the beginning of summer I remember silently arguing with myself about calling, feeling so nervous and then laughing at myself thinking I never acted like this and then immediately after thinking ,this is ridiculous, this is never going to go anywhere anyway, I'm just setting myself up for disappointment, but being the emotionally lead person I've always been I went with my heart and said "fuck it" because all I thought is what if I miss the best thing that could ever happen to me and in a way..it was. I sure as hell had no idea what I was getting myself into, everything in my life changed and as hard as it would be for anybody to believe other than me, my world was completely turned upside down. I couldn't and still don't believe how earth shattering something could be, but it was and fuck I dragged my feet through broken glass and then picked myself up with whatever dignity I had left because of course there is no pride involved when true feelings are involved, that all goes out the window and even now I think to myself how completely unlike me and insane that is to be willing to give up everything for one person...even control..which I'm never quick to hand over, ever. But after all that I don't think I'd change a thing...


And yet, another thing comes to mind, I think of that sweet guy that I thought I was falling hard for, but of course it was my heart pulling tricks on me again and then a quick thought crosses my mind that if my feelings could change that quickly for someone why couldn't the same happen to someone over me..I guess it was just something I was never faced with, because I was used to getting the person I wanted if I felt it was worth bothering over as cold and unlike me as that sounds.


Then I think what if's. I think what if I has said yes that day in the lobby, what if on an impulse guilt overwhelmed heart and I said a three letter word instead of the two letter one that came out causing the same effect on him it would soon have on me. Everything's a concatenation of events and we're usually just along for the ride once we start the domino effect. Still I think of all the things that would be different, my friends, my relationships, my open orientation, my health, and myself. I mean even things like my best friend I wouldn't be distanced from him like I am now he wouldn't be ashamed of what I am.


I can tell people how much it hurts, the words that came out of his mouth that day like a foreign language to me like the decade that I knew him that we grew into ourselves suddenly meant so much less, the endless tears that dropped like nothing until I heaved from not being able to breath and could no longer release anymore moisture and how as I sat on the bathroom floor covering my mouth so no one could hear feeling completely empty and as if I had everything to be penitent over, I felt my heart shatter when it was broken to begin with and if it weren't for the ever present ache that returns constantly reminding me what pain feels like I would think it didn't even exist anymore.


But they could care less everybody's too wrapped up in themselves and their own problems that's just the fucking sad truth and I don't understand how or why I have the capacity to love people to the point that I feel their pain and wish it upon myself, just to end their suffering and yet I know this doesn't cross any of their minds again, oblivious. I don't want to feel bad anymore for other people, I just want to stop caring so I can move on with my life and do things for myself and not give something that I don't get in return for once in my damn life because it's been like that my whole life even when I covered it with anger and scowls, it's always been me standing there just as willing to throw myself in front of a car to save a life, yea so what I'm not a picture of modesty right now but it's honestly the only way I know how to be and I wouldn't change that about me even though I feel so much resentment over it like now.


I don't regret being selfless and not the bullshit version of it, not the person that says they'll always be there for you if you need them and then suddenly when they have problems you don't matter anymore because I know far too many people like that, but the person that is willing to drop everything just to wipe away your tears or hold your hand or wrap comforting arms around you because sometimes that's all people really need, not someone to solve all their problems just someone to tell them everything is going to be ok and really mean it from the bottom of their heart..that's all I've ever wanted.


But I don't know, maybe that's just too much to ask in the world we live in today, maybe we all forgot that sometimes we can fool ourselves into believing that we're the center of the universe and that no problems could possibly be worse than ours but truth is, the person sitting right next to you could be planning their own death and yet..there you are wondering why your boyfriend had to break up with you right before prom.

Something Feels Different, Now If Only It Would Present Itself in a Perceivable Form

I really don't know how to explain the way I've been feeling lately, that looming feeling of dissatisfaction with my life hasn't dissipated, but something feels OK, something in the back of my mind is trying to tell me something. I don't know if something's going to happen, or maybe I'm just over analyzing my empathetic behavior that has become all too familiar a thing. It's strange..almost unfamiliar thinking of how things were once, whether it be ten years ago, six years ago or even a year ago. So much has changed and with the people that have thankfully entered my life, I changed things about myself and admitted things that I never thought I would. I can honestly say that I've always been the same person, but now I'm starting to let people see the sides of me that I used to hide, not for fear of judgement, but just because I didn't want people to know what kind of a person I really was. To me it was always a matter of what people could use against you after all if people don't truly know who you are and what makes you tick, how could they ever hurt you?

I thought today about so many things and I was in that depressed state of mind, but somehow I was tired for everything but to reminisce about the past. You see..before I moved I had all these friends, but only one I could consider a true friend someone I could confide in and it was more about always being there for each other even though at that age who you played video games with seemed more important. Everyone else was an acquaintance, just people to talk to, people that sought advice or to compete with me on all different levels, but mostly people that I knew with time would drop on my list of priorities throughout life.

As I got older this changed all the moves and growing up I had to do that one year put things into perspective for me and I started wondering what I had been doing wrong. It's a hard thing for even me to fathom and I'm sure impossible for anyone to ever say aloud, but I know people other than me have felt it, that odd empty feeling that makes you feel hopeless in a way, but not necessarily by your own account.

I fell in and out of love and it's easy to say things are mere coincidences, but as you look back on life you realize everything really does happen for reason whether or not you experience joy from it, you end up where you need to be. He meant the world to me at once and I'm sure if I were to see him or talk to him again I would feel that tinge of excitement I always got when I got a call from him, but life isn't about getting over love, it's about recognizing when it's in front of you and if you're lucky enough you'll land in it's grasps and feel it's euphoric existence.

Replacing love in your life isn't a solution, it is only a distraction because if the love is stronger it will overtake any old feelings even if they still exist. I know this for a fact because that's exactly what happened to me, it prompted me to do the unthinkable, but as always no regrets only experiences that happened because they needed to eventually or so goes the law of averages. But that's what really happens when you fall in love it's not to say you lost old feelings, but when a stronger feeling overtakes you the older one I guess in a way can't compete. And it happens every single time, but you don't wait for it, you don't question it, you live it, you go with what you feel, you live life passionately and spontaneously and doing everything that feels right at that moment in time and without fearing consequences or fears themselves too much you get to experience things that some people only dream of or read in books.

Maybe that's what's changed, maybe I'm finally realizing that life isn't really about waiting for good things to happen, maybe I'm realizing that I forgot what I'm really all about, that I forgot how much I used to go after what I wanted and that at some point going after one thing I lost touch with reality and it's time I start going after all the things I want in life no matter what stands in my way, and then things will fall into place the way it was meant to be.

Carpe diem - Seize the day