Heaven's Not a Place That You Go When You Die, It's That Moment in Life When You Actually Feel Alive...So Live For the Moment

Here we go again...Here I am sitting in front of this stupid computer spilling my heart out and playing my guitar and listening to music all for the same purpose to retain my sanity to keep going and not have to actually say anything to anybody. This is how it used to be, me and my music and reverberating sounds coming from the four walls around me, there was no one I could actually trust and I keep telling myself I want it to be like that again, I keep questioning if the pain that people ultimately cause is worth letting them into your life to help you patch up a sew cuts along the way. But I know that's not what I want, I keep fooling myself and distracting myself and whatever other form of lying to yourself there is because the fact is with all I have as completely selfish as this sounds I'm not happy...The truth being as much of a brave face as I put on for everybody, I'm scared out of my mind, of everything that's coming, of feeling like I'm never going to move on from something that was over before it began and feeling like when you really, truly love someone you can let them be happy with whoever it is that makes them happy, but questioning whether or not I'm strong enough to deal with the pain that I pretend doesn't exist, but now even more I'm scared that between all this lying to myself and trying to be better for everyone else and hiding things so that people can have me there for them, even though I let them believe that it doesn't bother me when they don't ask if I'm falling apart too, I'm scared that between all that I'll lose myself completely..

It's funny, I had the most random flashback yesterday, I thought back to last year just before the beginning of summer I remember silently arguing with myself about calling, feeling so nervous and then laughing at myself thinking I never acted like this and then immediately after thinking ,this is ridiculous, this is never going to go anywhere anyway, I'm just setting myself up for disappointment, but being the emotionally lead person I've always been I went with my heart and said "fuck it" because all I thought is what if I miss the best thing that could ever happen to me and in a way..it was. I sure as hell had no idea what I was getting myself into, everything in my life changed and as hard as it would be for anybody to believe other than me, my world was completely turned upside down. I couldn't and still don't believe how earth shattering something could be, but it was and fuck I dragged my feet through broken glass and then picked myself up with whatever dignity I had left because of course there is no pride involved when true feelings are involved, that all goes out the window and even now I think to myself how completely unlike me and insane that is to be willing to give up everything for one person...even control..which I'm never quick to hand over, ever. But after all that I don't think I'd change a thing...


And yet, another thing comes to mind, I think of that sweet guy that I thought I was falling hard for, but of course it was my heart pulling tricks on me again and then a quick thought crosses my mind that if my feelings could change that quickly for someone why couldn't the same happen to someone over me..I guess it was just something I was never faced with, because I was used to getting the person I wanted if I felt it was worth bothering over as cold and unlike me as that sounds.


Then I think what if's. I think what if I has said yes that day in the lobby, what if on an impulse guilt overwhelmed heart and I said a three letter word instead of the two letter one that came out causing the same effect on him it would soon have on me. Everything's a concatenation of events and we're usually just along for the ride once we start the domino effect. Still I think of all the things that would be different, my friends, my relationships, my open orientation, my health, and myself. I mean even things like my best friend I wouldn't be distanced from him like I am now he wouldn't be ashamed of what I am.


I can tell people how much it hurts, the words that came out of his mouth that day like a foreign language to me like the decade that I knew him that we grew into ourselves suddenly meant so much less, the endless tears that dropped like nothing until I heaved from not being able to breath and could no longer release anymore moisture and how as I sat on the bathroom floor covering my mouth so no one could hear feeling completely empty and as if I had everything to be penitent over, I felt my heart shatter when it was broken to begin with and if it weren't for the ever present ache that returns constantly reminding me what pain feels like I would think it didn't even exist anymore.


But they could care less everybody's too wrapped up in themselves and their own problems that's just the fucking sad truth and I don't understand how or why I have the capacity to love people to the point that I feel their pain and wish it upon myself, just to end their suffering and yet I know this doesn't cross any of their minds again, oblivious. I don't want to feel bad anymore for other people, I just want to stop caring so I can move on with my life and do things for myself and not give something that I don't get in return for once in my damn life because it's been like that my whole life even when I covered it with anger and scowls, it's always been me standing there just as willing to throw myself in front of a car to save a life, yea so what I'm not a picture of modesty right now but it's honestly the only way I know how to be and I wouldn't change that about me even though I feel so much resentment over it like now.


I don't regret being selfless and not the bullshit version of it, not the person that says they'll always be there for you if you need them and then suddenly when they have problems you don't matter anymore because I know far too many people like that, but the person that is willing to drop everything just to wipe away your tears or hold your hand or wrap comforting arms around you because sometimes that's all people really need, not someone to solve all their problems just someone to tell them everything is going to be ok and really mean it from the bottom of their heart..that's all I've ever wanted.


But I don't know, maybe that's just too much to ask in the world we live in today, maybe we all forgot that sometimes we can fool ourselves into believing that we're the center of the universe and that no problems could possibly be worse than ours but truth is, the person sitting right next to you could be planning their own death and yet..there you are wondering why your boyfriend had to break up with you right before prom.