Something Feels Different, Now If Only It Would Present Itself in a Perceivable Form

I really don't know how to explain the way I've been feeling lately, that looming feeling of dissatisfaction with my life hasn't dissipated, but something feels OK, something in the back of my mind is trying to tell me something. I don't know if something's going to happen, or maybe I'm just over analyzing my empathetic behavior that has become all too familiar a thing. It's strange..almost unfamiliar thinking of how things were once, whether it be ten years ago, six years ago or even a year ago. So much has changed and with the people that have thankfully entered my life, I changed things about myself and admitted things that I never thought I would. I can honestly say that I've always been the same person, but now I'm starting to let people see the sides of me that I used to hide, not for fear of judgement, but just because I didn't want people to know what kind of a person I really was. To me it was always a matter of what people could use against you after all if people don't truly know who you are and what makes you tick, how could they ever hurt you?

I thought today about so many things and I was in that depressed state of mind, but somehow I was tired for everything but to reminisce about the past. You see..before I moved I had all these friends, but only one I could consider a true friend someone I could confide in and it was more about always being there for each other even though at that age who you played video games with seemed more important. Everyone else was an acquaintance, just people to talk to, people that sought advice or to compete with me on all different levels, but mostly people that I knew with time would drop on my list of priorities throughout life.

As I got older this changed all the moves and growing up I had to do that one year put things into perspective for me and I started wondering what I had been doing wrong. It's a hard thing for even me to fathom and I'm sure impossible for anyone to ever say aloud, but I know people other than me have felt it, that odd empty feeling that makes you feel hopeless in a way, but not necessarily by your own account.

I fell in and out of love and it's easy to say things are mere coincidences, but as you look back on life you realize everything really does happen for reason whether or not you experience joy from it, you end up where you need to be. He meant the world to me at once and I'm sure if I were to see him or talk to him again I would feel that tinge of excitement I always got when I got a call from him, but life isn't about getting over love, it's about recognizing when it's in front of you and if you're lucky enough you'll land in it's grasps and feel it's euphoric existence.

Replacing love in your life isn't a solution, it is only a distraction because if the love is stronger it will overtake any old feelings even if they still exist. I know this for a fact because that's exactly what happened to me, it prompted me to do the unthinkable, but as always no regrets only experiences that happened because they needed to eventually or so goes the law of averages. But that's what really happens when you fall in love it's not to say you lost old feelings, but when a stronger feeling overtakes you the older one I guess in a way can't compete. And it happens every single time, but you don't wait for it, you don't question it, you live it, you go with what you feel, you live life passionately and spontaneously and doing everything that feels right at that moment in time and without fearing consequences or fears themselves too much you get to experience things that some people only dream of or read in books.

Maybe that's what's changed, maybe I'm finally realizing that life isn't really about waiting for good things to happen, maybe I'm realizing that I forgot what I'm really all about, that I forgot how much I used to go after what I wanted and that at some point going after one thing I lost touch with reality and it's time I start going after all the things I want in life no matter what stands in my way, and then things will fall into place the way it was meant to be.

Carpe diem - Seize the day