So many thoughts consume me, that I don't even know where to start and the things that eat at me the most I can't seem to put down in words so let me just start at a day and work my way from there, or rather a week.
First day back from break, the teachers continue to ramble on about topics long forgotten in the midst of a strange winter break. Oh how I wish I could explain what happened, but it would only bring that familiar pain back so I will leave those occurrences in last year. The day soon comes to an end and I long to come home and just sit listening to the same sweet melodies that have saved me many times before, but instead I am invited to that same place of laughter and easy conversation. Of course it comes to add to my pleasurable day, but I look forward to the long walk and catching up on missed events. That topic is brought up and I try to settle any uneasy feelings, but the paranoia seeps in far too deep to extract and it becomes a hopeless cause. We end up at this unfamiliar place to me, which soon becomes inviting as I step into the comfort of it's surrounding walls and ceilings. There is joking around and craziness and I can't help but feel proud of the girl that I have come to see as somewhat of a little sister and what she has just accomplished. Soon the day comes to an end and I go my separate way, reflecting on the days events momentarily as I run to my own comforting place.
It's been so long since then and I've realized everything that has been in the past two months has been either too eventful or not worth resurfacing, for in the state of mind I am in, it wouldn't be worth the increasing ache that has has been growing stronger with each blow to my confidence, each negative whisper by my own subconscious thoughts, that I don't mean to set free through the convolutions. So lets just start with this past week in all it's hectic glory, I think it pretty much sums up how the start of this year has been....
I am Monday, call me rage. Shitty weekend, just wanted to forget it and do something right for ONCE. Running on two hours of sleep from three days ago. I feel faint, moody, depressed irritable, but I try my best to move past it all in order to prevent an even shittier week from emerging out of all the negative emotions. With no sleep the night before my eyes burn as I struggle to even see what I'm doing as I get dressed and try and look presentable at the very least. I turn and look at the clock, it's too late I'm too exhausted to throw everything on in the 10 seconds I have to prepare, so I sit sulking feeling defeated, an all too familiar feeling lately. I panic and try to contact people, but then realize I feel too much guilt to ask that of anyone even considering my current state of anxiety and constant nervousness.
I trudge slowly and quietly over to their room, gathering whatever defense mechanisms I have left to protect myself. It leads to that same argument, the one that has occurred multiple times even far too many to count. An hour of the same old bullshit and finally I get to school, he gives me an encouraging smile, sincerely wishing for me to have good day. I let myself turn away before I scoff and nearly predict the day that is to come. I head to attendance and begrudgingly fill out that ridiculous sheet of paper, she unknowingly marks the appropriate line jots that little note down then scribbles it out realizing her mistake, not knowing the domino effect that little motion would have on my day.
I head to whats left of first period, slam my things down in frustration and pull out my can of relief, I decide to wait out the rest of it, but barely manage to respond even to him and completely brush off the remainder of the table in an obvious anger. He tries to calm me and I feel at least at slight ease. The bell rings, I grab my drink and after the short walk we say goodbye at least for two periods.
I open my drink and sip it feverishly, needing something to replace the lack of sleep my body has had and the food I've neglected to eat. We basically have a free period and I talk to her the entire time hanging onto her every word and responding appropriately. I understand her and she understands me and we even overlap thoughts without meaning to. we've always had a mutual understanding of many things and as the period passes I'm reminded of why, we talk of plans and relieving stress have some laughs and before we know it the period is over. I tell her goodbye and head to my next class.
Several minutes into the next period I'm called down. I sigh and roll my eyes but nonetheless I drag my feet down the stairs and across the hallways to attendance. I almost go into autopilot only seemingly listening to his words but then I hear it. EXTENDED detention, he says, a wave of anger rushes through my body and I immediately feel my temperature rise as I nearly rip it to shreds and throw it back at him. But I control myself and walk out before my explosion. I storm back to class getting there a lot quicker than I had left. I find myself passing indifferent reactions to my fuming rage and glare at them fully intending to do so and not caring at this point.
I sit down at my desk, my anger apparent as many of the students turn to watch my every move. I silently although not so silently beg the clock to move faster and I make my way to gym upon the sound of the bell immediately explaining my behavior to them. I punch the door on my way out of the locker room and feel no pain, just slight relief and the entire period is filled with concern for me and a therapy through that very fun game made into a full contact sport by us.
Lunchtime. She is immediately concerned, she asks what is wrong and gives me a brief hug. As angry as I am, her presence calms me as it always does though it is never clear to me why exactly that is. I implode the entire period venting to her and letting her words and voice soothe the emotions echoing in my head. I begin to feel my myself subdued with only spurts of that rage and by the next period it slowly dwindles down to a soft murmur. The rest of the day is uneventful.
Tuesday, call me vacillating. Nothing eventful happened at school, back and forth with my emotions. Happy one period, near tears another, worried one period, relieved the next. My emotions were unstable and confusing and I just wanted to leave and not think about anything. Hung out for a little after school haha "glow plug." She picked me up and although I should've been nervous by this point it was almost routine...meet and greet right? Just hope he's nice. He wound up being the sweetest man I ever met and after speaking about the past, bisexuality and of course her. "We'll meet again at 3 next Tuesday?" "Sounds good" "Good, you're a very interesting person, I look forward to talking to you" "Thank you" We exchanged smile's and I left with a courteous handshake and "Nice to meet you"
I was in a pretty good mood we ran some errands and I got home fully intending to text her and go running to take advantage of the beautiful weather and try and stay in a good mood, plus I kinda missed the girl I'd come to consider my best friend after not having hung out much outside of school lately. She was in a good mood too and I must've read her mind. It was good exercise but all the talking and getting the drinks ended in walking home in freezing cold weather. I apologized several times, felt guilty and then simultaneously my down mood returned after coming down from the endorphin high. I drank the unfamiliar substance feeling like I could pass out any moment but I cared less about how I felt physically and more how I felt emotionally. You can't have it all right? Up all night yet again, but it's ok because I didn't feel down.
Wednesday, call me depression. I get ready oddly early and am out the door immediately, I grab my energy drink and mentally prepare myself after the long night. First period, again irritable, I go off on them even though they probably don't deserve it, but naturally they obey, frightened by my disposition. *Gulp* I keep drinking it, feeling the happiness flood back to me, I tell him bye and agree to help him rid himself of HIS bad emotions. I pass her by, have some flirty conversation even though she does have a boyfriend(eh it happens) I walk away non-chalantly, energy drink in hand, turning briefly only to catch her staring, it made me chuckle. Second period is filled with talk of the present and future, school, blah blah blah more shit to worry about.
Skip ahead to gym, total domination and then I find out I made into battle of the classes. Lunch is ok, but I feel my mood declining again, it's that familiar dreary feeling that just lingers unwanted. Upset the remainder of the school day. Two fire drills(like I felt motivated enough to get up that many times). People bitching about the outcome, don't really give a shit at this point. Extended is ridiculous and I never wanna go there again, an hour and a half of torture and more time to hate myself for loving all the wrong people, liking people for "a limited time only" and liking people I know I will never love, as much. Why is this getting to me again? Clear my head distract myself, call her to ask about impending plans of working out and get the expected answer. I get home and within an hour I lose all motivation, text her and let her know, I feel like doing it again. Why is this affecting me again when it's long in the past? I shouldn't care anymore, I won't.
I read briefly, skimming, shock written on my face but I shrug it off fooling myself. Why should I care? It's none of my business. I start playing that song I consider old by now on my guitar feeling each strum and lyric and without warning tears start streaming down my face. I still care after everything... my thoughts betray everything that I built, all the walls that I reconstructed come crashing down in an instant and it's as if those months have been an illusion, fully aware of vulnerability, I'm back there, but I refuse to open my eyes. I do care, but I won't let it show. "Don't be selfish, this is all in your head, you're not supposed to let me wander there," my thoughts seemingly shout at me. Why bother? There's no point, when all is said and done I'm not supposed to walk away, but instead stand there empty handed. Always has been like that, why would this be any different? Well I cleared that up, guess it's back to square one. Ah fuck it here we go again with the bad habits.
"I call it the musician's curse, three months and the challenge is gone, I guess I'm only the relationship type...theoretically" ~Crystal Calamitous~
"They say there's not many stories that haven't been told before
well I'm here to tell you the story about a beautiful young girl...." ~Crystal Calamitous~
"You gave me a reason to finish my songs,
because you are more beautiful to me than I will ever let you know
forever you will be the right to my wrongs
I'll hold you tight against my heart with no intention of letting go"
By ~Crystal Calamitous~ "Wishful thinking"(The Unfinished Ballad)
"I fly like paper get high like planes" ~MIA~
Tomorrow's gonna be fucking great (note the sarcasm)
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