I Believe in Nothing but the Beating of Our Hearts...I Believe in Nothing but the Truth of Who We Are

So I've been meaning to blog for quite a while now, but every time I went to type something I'd either lose motivation or get distracted, this is the first time in a while that I've been home alone, left with only the resounding thoughts within my mind. So how to recap the last few months... Realistically I can't, so much has happened, losing touch with some friends, gaining stronger bonds with others, and crazy relationship drama that almost made me write one or two drunken blogs. I wouldn't have regretted it, but rather I realized it wasn't worth writing about for it would've only worsened my state of mind at the time, and God knows I didn't need to do that.

So what is there big and important to say? I fell in love with her, oddly enough we met the same day as I met my other favorite girl, but things always seem to have patterns in my life as strange as that may seem. Well...some arguments, a few dates, two sketches, a promise ring, and most recently and diamond necklace later, somehow this crazy relationship has held together. Do we love each other? Yes, in an unconventional, unorthodox way, but nonetheless we do. Will that change? Without question. And will we end up with other people? There's not a doubt in my mind. Can I/Do I love other people? Possibly/most definitely there's something that's always ran through my mind.

And is it possible to love more than one? Well of course it is, if one believes there is multiple soul mates in the world for us, then as unlikely as it is to find even one, it is possible to find more than one. Even if you don't believe in multiple soul mates, there is always the question of, if you can love someone like a sister and someone like a mother, someone like a cousin and someone like a best friend, well then in a world where nothing is black and white, one that is made up of many shades and hues, is it not possible to fall in love with more than one person? And love them at different intensities, for different reasons, that are not in any way reasonable?

So I do love him, he's a complete sweetheart and there is physical attraction there, but of course the intensity of my love for him fails in comparison to what I feel for all three of them. As harsh as this sounds, it's somewhat like placing a diamond next to stars, it will still have brilliancy, but will not come close to the shimmer of the stars around it, and yet it holds it own unique value.

Her I love because even though we're miles apart there seems to be no one that understands me better, I do question if we would be together, if she only lived closer or even be soul mates, but that one day is going to determine the true intensity of our relationship beyond being just friends.

She's just a mystery, and of course in this situation I always question timing, it always seemed to be about timing, whether it was when we met, how fast things moved, what point we were in our lives and even things as simple as not being home at the right time, but of course there is nothing I would change, things happened(even if it's not the case in some situations), in this case I believe everything happened for reason.

I lost that one important thing, that I had kept for so long, the thing that caused a fight between him and I. It was a mix of feelings both physical and mental, and if I could go back I wouldn't, the relationship between us was always complicated. There was always this sense of wonderment, one of those, "If I don't take a chance, I'm always going to wonder what could've been." He's far from perfect, but somehow there was always something that drew me to him, this sort of attraction, at this point I don't know if things will ever be the same or even if I'll ever see him again, but of course he's someone I will never forget.

And of course of everything that happened in 2009 I can't forget, Marcella Dawson, a great woman and an even greater, grandmother, mother and of course wife, she passed on December 19th which in my eyes and the eyes of my family, caused the world to be less of a place. And of course once again, this sent my mind on a wild train of thoughts, but of all the thoughts that crossed my mind one stuck out the most, and that is the fact that every day someone dies, everyday the world stops for a husband or wife somewhere, a father or a mother, a son or a daughter, to them it's as if the whole world should be grieving their loss because how can such an amazing person be gone forever? But, the world doesn't stop it keeps going as it must, because if the world stopped for every person that left this Earth, we would be permanently frozen in time. However, this isn't what makes the passing of a loved one any less or more important, what makes it so important isn't whether or not the whole country or world hears about it, or even how many people that person knew, it's the strength of the impact that person had on others lives, not in teaching, but in love and compassion, after all as it is said, one true friend is worth more than all the acquaintances in the world.

So that was the rest of my year in a nut shell. Sure I left out the holidays, and the crazy nights, but I guess my life always seems hectic, writing about all the insane nights I had would simply be too much. There is one more recent thought in my mind though, it's what put the idea in my mind to blog in the first place, last night I had a dream....

In this dream there was a lot of things that didn't make sense, things like hugging him as he lay on top of me facing the ceiling, while he lay next to me, he turned in my arms facing me and complimented me and I could tell there was one thing on his mind...sex. It was strange because I rarely see him, only occasionally when I go to his house...but he does play guitar and I always thought he was really cute, so perhaps it was the meaning behind it and the intentions of a man, my minds attempt at making a connection between the two situations and showing me that it's still present in my thoughts. Still...what a strange way of my brain communicating these thoughts to me.

Then she was present in my dreams the odd thing? I can't remember how, I know I dreamt of her but it's as if she was far away, and the lack of contact made our interaction forgettable it was the first thing I dreamt about, but also the first thing to leave my mind...maybe the lack of communication and general face to face interaction between us translated into my dreams.

Then there was this one part of my dream that came to me immediately when I woke to my phone buzzing this morning. We were in my room and this interaction seemed very vivid and real for some reason. We sat Indian style side by side finally watching that movie on my huge computer screen, I can't remember actually seeing the movie, but I knew what it was for some reason. At one point we started joking around and I ended up holding her left hand in my left hand and her right in my right, the moment went from light to serious when I decided to stop wrestling and I just held her hands in place, my heart raced and nerves seem to kick in full blast and then she did something I didn't expect. With her right hand still held in mine she reached up and touched my chin, I shook from an inexplicable cold chill that was overtaking me, it felt like fear, but it wasn't fear of what was happening it was a fear in the back of my mind. She then pulled her hand away from my face back down with mine onto her lap released my left hand and laced it over my right hand so my right hand was between both of her hands, the chilling cold went away and was immediately replaced by a warmth. I felt safe, I felt the fear in the back of my mind dissipate because that's when I realized..even if things changed we wouldn't lose what we had, after all...we did it once before.

"Your defenses were on high, your walls built deep inside.....Was it a dream? Was it a dream? Is this the only evidence that proves it?..."

Heaven's Not a Place That You Go When You Die, It's That Moment in Life When You Actually Feel Alive...So Live For the Moment

Here we go again...Here I am sitting in front of this stupid computer spilling my heart out and playing my guitar and listening to music all for the same purpose to retain my sanity to keep going and not have to actually say anything to anybody. This is how it used to be, me and my music and reverberating sounds coming from the four walls around me, there was no one I could actually trust and I keep telling myself I want it to be like that again, I keep questioning if the pain that people ultimately cause is worth letting them into your life to help you patch up a sew cuts along the way. But I know that's not what I want, I keep fooling myself and distracting myself and whatever other form of lying to yourself there is because the fact is with all I have as completely selfish as this sounds I'm not happy...The truth being as much of a brave face as I put on for everybody, I'm scared out of my mind, of everything that's coming, of feeling like I'm never going to move on from something that was over before it began and feeling like when you really, truly love someone you can let them be happy with whoever it is that makes them happy, but questioning whether or not I'm strong enough to deal with the pain that I pretend doesn't exist, but now even more I'm scared that between all this lying to myself and trying to be better for everyone else and hiding things so that people can have me there for them, even though I let them believe that it doesn't bother me when they don't ask if I'm falling apart too, I'm scared that between all that I'll lose myself completely..

It's funny, I had the most random flashback yesterday, I thought back to last year just before the beginning of summer I remember silently arguing with myself about calling, feeling so nervous and then laughing at myself thinking I never acted like this and then immediately after thinking ,this is ridiculous, this is never going to go anywhere anyway, I'm just setting myself up for disappointment, but being the emotionally lead person I've always been I went with my heart and said "fuck it" because all I thought is what if I miss the best thing that could ever happen to me and in a way..it was. I sure as hell had no idea what I was getting myself into, everything in my life changed and as hard as it would be for anybody to believe other than me, my world was completely turned upside down. I couldn't and still don't believe how earth shattering something could be, but it was and fuck I dragged my feet through broken glass and then picked myself up with whatever dignity I had left because of course there is no pride involved when true feelings are involved, that all goes out the window and even now I think to myself how completely unlike me and insane that is to be willing to give up everything for one person...even control..which I'm never quick to hand over, ever. But after all that I don't think I'd change a thing...


And yet, another thing comes to mind, I think of that sweet guy that I thought I was falling hard for, but of course it was my heart pulling tricks on me again and then a quick thought crosses my mind that if my feelings could change that quickly for someone why couldn't the same happen to someone over me..I guess it was just something I was never faced with, because I was used to getting the person I wanted if I felt it was worth bothering over as cold and unlike me as that sounds.


Then I think what if's. I think what if I has said yes that day in the lobby, what if on an impulse guilt overwhelmed heart and I said a three letter word instead of the two letter one that came out causing the same effect on him it would soon have on me. Everything's a concatenation of events and we're usually just along for the ride once we start the domino effect. Still I think of all the things that would be different, my friends, my relationships, my open orientation, my health, and myself. I mean even things like my best friend I wouldn't be distanced from him like I am now he wouldn't be ashamed of what I am.


I can tell people how much it hurts, the words that came out of his mouth that day like a foreign language to me like the decade that I knew him that we grew into ourselves suddenly meant so much less, the endless tears that dropped like nothing until I heaved from not being able to breath and could no longer release anymore moisture and how as I sat on the bathroom floor covering my mouth so no one could hear feeling completely empty and as if I had everything to be penitent over, I felt my heart shatter when it was broken to begin with and if it weren't for the ever present ache that returns constantly reminding me what pain feels like I would think it didn't even exist anymore.


But they could care less everybody's too wrapped up in themselves and their own problems that's just the fucking sad truth and I don't understand how or why I have the capacity to love people to the point that I feel their pain and wish it upon myself, just to end their suffering and yet I know this doesn't cross any of their minds again, oblivious. I don't want to feel bad anymore for other people, I just want to stop caring so I can move on with my life and do things for myself and not give something that I don't get in return for once in my damn life because it's been like that my whole life even when I covered it with anger and scowls, it's always been me standing there just as willing to throw myself in front of a car to save a life, yea so what I'm not a picture of modesty right now but it's honestly the only way I know how to be and I wouldn't change that about me even though I feel so much resentment over it like now.


I don't regret being selfless and not the bullshit version of it, not the person that says they'll always be there for you if you need them and then suddenly when they have problems you don't matter anymore because I know far too many people like that, but the person that is willing to drop everything just to wipe away your tears or hold your hand or wrap comforting arms around you because sometimes that's all people really need, not someone to solve all their problems just someone to tell them everything is going to be ok and really mean it from the bottom of their heart..that's all I've ever wanted.


But I don't know, maybe that's just too much to ask in the world we live in today, maybe we all forgot that sometimes we can fool ourselves into believing that we're the center of the universe and that no problems could possibly be worse than ours but truth is, the person sitting right next to you could be planning their own death and yet..there you are wondering why your boyfriend had to break up with you right before prom.

Something Feels Different, Now If Only It Would Present Itself in a Perceivable Form

I really don't know how to explain the way I've been feeling lately, that looming feeling of dissatisfaction with my life hasn't dissipated, but something feels OK, something in the back of my mind is trying to tell me something. I don't know if something's going to happen, or maybe I'm just over analyzing my empathetic behavior that has become all too familiar a thing. It's strange..almost unfamiliar thinking of how things were once, whether it be ten years ago, six years ago or even a year ago. So much has changed and with the people that have thankfully entered my life, I changed things about myself and admitted things that I never thought I would. I can honestly say that I've always been the same person, but now I'm starting to let people see the sides of me that I used to hide, not for fear of judgement, but just because I didn't want people to know what kind of a person I really was. To me it was always a matter of what people could use against you after all if people don't truly know who you are and what makes you tick, how could they ever hurt you?

I thought today about so many things and I was in that depressed state of mind, but somehow I was tired for everything but to reminisce about the past. You see..before I moved I had all these friends, but only one I could consider a true friend someone I could confide in and it was more about always being there for each other even though at that age who you played video games with seemed more important. Everyone else was an acquaintance, just people to talk to, people that sought advice or to compete with me on all different levels, but mostly people that I knew with time would drop on my list of priorities throughout life.

As I got older this changed all the moves and growing up I had to do that one year put things into perspective for me and I started wondering what I had been doing wrong. It's a hard thing for even me to fathom and I'm sure impossible for anyone to ever say aloud, but I know people other than me have felt it, that odd empty feeling that makes you feel hopeless in a way, but not necessarily by your own account.

I fell in and out of love and it's easy to say things are mere coincidences, but as you look back on life you realize everything really does happen for reason whether or not you experience joy from it, you end up where you need to be. He meant the world to me at once and I'm sure if I were to see him or talk to him again I would feel that tinge of excitement I always got when I got a call from him, but life isn't about getting over love, it's about recognizing when it's in front of you and if you're lucky enough you'll land in it's grasps and feel it's euphoric existence.

Replacing love in your life isn't a solution, it is only a distraction because if the love is stronger it will overtake any old feelings even if they still exist. I know this for a fact because that's exactly what happened to me, it prompted me to do the unthinkable, but as always no regrets only experiences that happened because they needed to eventually or so goes the law of averages. But that's what really happens when you fall in love it's not to say you lost old feelings, but when a stronger feeling overtakes you the older one I guess in a way can't compete. And it happens every single time, but you don't wait for it, you don't question it, you live it, you go with what you feel, you live life passionately and spontaneously and doing everything that feels right at that moment in time and without fearing consequences or fears themselves too much you get to experience things that some people only dream of or read in books.

Maybe that's what's changed, maybe I'm finally realizing that life isn't really about waiting for good things to happen, maybe I'm realizing that I forgot what I'm really all about, that I forgot how much I used to go after what I wanted and that at some point going after one thing I lost touch with reality and it's time I start going after all the things I want in life no matter what stands in my way, and then things will fall into place the way it was meant to be.

Carpe diem - Seize the day

Recollections of a Mind With No Sanity

So many thoughts consume me, that I don't even know where to start and the things that eat at me the most I can't seem to put down in words so let me just start at a day and work my way from there, or rather a week.

First day back from break, the teachers continue to ramble on about topics long forgotten in the midst of a strange winter break. Oh how I wish I could explain what happened, but it would only bring that familiar pain back so I will leave those occurrences in last year. The day soon comes to an end and I long to come home and just sit listening to the same sweet melodies that have saved me many times before, but instead I am invited to that same place of laughter and easy conversation. Of course it comes to add to my pleasurable day, but I look forward to the long walk and catching up on missed events. That topic is brought up and I try to settle any uneasy feelings, but the paranoia seeps in far too deep to extract and it becomes a hopeless cause. We end up at this unfamiliar place to me, which soon becomes inviting as I step into the comfort of it's surrounding walls and ceilings. There is joking around and craziness and I can't help but feel proud of the girl that I have come to see as somewhat of a little sister and what she has just accomplished. Soon the day comes to an end and I go my separate way, reflecting on the days events momentarily as I run to my own comforting place.

It's been so long since then and I've realized everything that has been in the past two months has been either too eventful or not worth resurfacing, for in the state of mind I am in, it wouldn't be worth the increasing ache that has has been growing stronger with each blow to my confidence, each negative whisper by my own subconscious thoughts, that I don't mean to set free through the convolutions. So lets just start with this past week in all it's hectic glory, I think it pretty much sums up how the start of this year has been....

I am Monday, call me rage. Shitty weekend, just wanted to forget it and do something right for ONCE. Running on two hours of sleep from three days ago. I feel faint, moody, depressed irritable, but I try my best to move past it all in order to prevent an even shittier week from emerging out of all the negative emotions. With no sleep the night before my eyes burn as I struggle to even see what I'm doing as I get dressed and try and look presentable at the very least. I turn and look at the clock, it's too late I'm too exhausted to throw everything on in the 10 seconds I have to prepare, so I sit sulking feeling defeated, an all too familiar feeling lately. I panic and try to contact people, but then realize I feel too much guilt to ask that of anyone even considering my current state of anxiety and constant nervousness.

I trudge slowly and quietly over to their room, gathering whatever defense mechanisms I have left to protect myself. It leads to that same argument, the one that has occurred multiple times even far too many to count. An hour of the same old bullshit and finally I get to school, he gives me an encouraging smile, sincerely wishing for me to have good day. I let myself turn away before I scoff and nearly predict the day that is to come. I head to attendance and begrudgingly fill out that ridiculous sheet of paper, she unknowingly marks the appropriate line jots that little note down then scribbles it out realizing her mistake, not knowing the domino effect that little motion would have on my day.

I head to whats left of first period, slam my things down in frustration and pull out my can of relief, I decide to wait out the rest of it, but barely manage to respond even to him and completely brush off the remainder of the table in an obvious anger. He tries to calm me and I feel at least at slight ease. The bell rings, I grab my drink and after the short walk we say goodbye at least for two periods.

I open my drink and sip it feverishly, needing something to replace the lack of sleep my body has had and the food I've neglected to eat. We basically have a free period and I talk to her the entire time hanging onto her every word and responding appropriately. I understand her and she understands me and we even overlap thoughts without meaning to. we've always had a mutual understanding of many things and as the period passes I'm reminded of why, we talk of plans and relieving stress have some laughs and before we know it the period is over. I tell her goodbye and head to my next class.

Several minutes into the next period I'm called down. I sigh and roll my eyes but nonetheless I drag my feet down the stairs and across the hallways to attendance. I almost go into autopilot only seemingly listening to his words but then I hear it. EXTENDED detention, he says, a wave of anger rushes through my body and I immediately feel my temperature rise as I nearly rip it to shreds and throw it back at him. But I control myself and walk out before my explosion. I storm back to class getting there a lot quicker than I had left. I find myself passing indifferent reactions to my fuming rage and glare at them fully intending to do so and not caring at this point.

I sit down at my desk, my anger apparent as many of the students turn to watch my every move. I silently although not so silently beg the clock to move faster and I make my way to gym upon the sound of the bell immediately explaining my behavior to them. I punch the door on my way out of the locker room and feel no pain, just slight relief and the entire period is filled with concern for me and a therapy through that very fun game made into a full contact sport by us.

Lunchtime. She is immediately concerned, she asks what is wrong and gives me a brief hug. As angry as I am, her presence calms me as it always does though it is never clear to me why exactly that is. I implode the entire period venting to her and letting her words and voice soothe the emotions echoing in my head. I begin to feel my myself subdued with only spurts of that rage and by the next period it slowly dwindles down to a soft murmur. The rest of the day is uneventful.

Tuesday, call me vacillating. Nothing eventful happened at school, back and forth with my emotions. Happy one period, near tears another, worried one period, relieved the next. My emotions were unstable and confusing and I just wanted to leave and not think about anything. Hung out for a little after school haha "glow plug." She picked me up and although I should've been nervous by this point it was almost routine...meet and greet right? Just hope he's nice. He wound up being the sweetest man I ever met and after speaking about the past, bisexuality and of course her. "We'll meet again at 3 next Tuesday?" "Sounds good" "Good, you're a very interesting person, I look forward to talking to you" "Thank you" We exchanged smile's and I left with a courteous handshake and "Nice to meet you"

I was in a pretty good mood we ran some errands and I got home fully intending to text her and go running to take advantage of the beautiful weather and try and stay in a good mood, plus I kinda missed the girl I'd come to consider my best friend after not having hung out much outside of school lately. She was in a good mood too and I must've read her mind. It was good exercise but all the talking and getting the drinks ended in walking home in freezing cold weather. I apologized several times, felt guilty and then simultaneously my down mood returned after coming down from the endorphin high. I drank the unfamiliar substance feeling like I could pass out any moment but I cared less about how I felt physically and more how I felt emotionally. You can't have it all right? Up all night yet again, but it's ok because I didn't feel down.

Wednesday, call me depression. I get ready oddly early and am out the door immediately, I grab my energy drink and mentally prepare myself after the long night. First period, again irritable, I go off on them even though they probably don't deserve it, but naturally they obey, frightened by my disposition. *Gulp* I keep drinking it, feeling the happiness flood back to me, I tell him bye and agree to help him rid himself of HIS bad emotions. I pass her by, have some flirty conversation even though she does have a boyfriend(eh it happens) I walk away non-chalantly, energy drink in hand, turning briefly only to catch her staring, it made me chuckle. Second period is filled with talk of the present and future, school, blah blah blah more shit to worry about.

Skip ahead to gym, total domination and then I find out I made into battle of the classes. Lunch is ok, but I feel my mood declining again, it's that familiar dreary feeling that just lingers unwanted. Upset the remainder of the school day. Two fire drills(like I felt motivated enough to get up that many times). People bitching about the outcome, don't really give a shit at this point. Extended is ridiculous and I never wanna go there again, an hour and a half of torture and more time to hate myself for loving all the wrong people, liking people for "a limited time only" and liking people I know I will never love, as much. Why is this getting to me again? Clear my head distract myself, call her to ask about impending plans of working out and get the expected answer. I get home and within an hour I lose all motivation, text her and let her know, I feel like doing it again. Why is this affecting me again when it's long in the past? I shouldn't care anymore, I won't.

I read briefly, skimming, shock written on my face but I shrug it off fooling myself. Why should I care? It's none of my business. I start playing that song I consider old by now on my guitar feeling each strum and lyric and without warning tears start streaming down my face. I still care after everything... my thoughts betray everything that I built, all the walls that I reconstructed come crashing down in an instant and it's as if those months have been an illusion, fully aware of vulnerability, I'm back there, but I refuse to open my eyes. I do care, but I won't let it show. "Don't be selfish, this is all in your head, you're not supposed to let me wander there," my thoughts seemingly shout at me. Why bother? There's no point, when all is said and done I'm not supposed to walk away, but instead stand there empty handed. Always has been like that, why would this be any different? Well I cleared that up, guess it's back to square one. Ah fuck it here we go again with the bad habits.

"I call it the musician's curse, three months and the challenge is gone, I guess I'm only the relationship type...theoretically" ~Crystal Calamitous~

"They say there's not many stories that haven't been told before
well I'm here to tell you the story about a beautiful young girl...." ~Crystal Calamitous~

"You gave me a reason to finish my songs,
because you are more beautiful to me than I will ever let you know
forever you will be the right to my wrongs
I'll hold you tight against my heart with no intention of letting go"

By ~Crystal Calamitous~ "Wishful thinking"(The Unfinished Ballad)

"I fly like paper get high like planes" ~MIA~

Tomorrow's gonna be fucking great (note the sarcasm)