You Want To Talk About Awkwardness or Will That Make You Feel Uncomfortable?

I think about the past, think about all the people that walked in and right back out of my life. How much of it was actually worth it? Whether or not I gained something from it isn't what I mean. What I mean is, how many people were worth meeting in the first place. If you know me well at all you know I over think things to the point of insanity, it makes my observations of people and situations alike, very thorough, but it usually ends up hurting me more than anyone else, it makes me too empathetic and often ends up bringing me down in one way or another. Although if it's to help someone else, particularly someone I love I've always done it regardless, that's not a choice to me.

The honest truth is if you really love someone whether it is as family, as a friend, a lover or a mentor, no matter what the case if you care about that person enough, you put the pride aside that sits between you and an acquaintance. Pride is something that is very important to me and it's not even for a reputation but for the sake of self-worth, so if you are really important to me you know it because I've most likely told you more truth than you would like to hear. That's more than I could say for several people though, you all like to point fingers at other people or situations all to avoid the actual problems or how you actually feel about someone or SOMETHING.

If you're hurt about something or disappointed, why take it out on someone for something that has nothing to do with you and is none of your business? Or why blame things that go wrong in your life on others when it's not their fault? If you're unhappy with something acknowledge it and express it, it's called com - un - ic -a - tion, it's that thing that two people that are "best friends" or are otherwise in a relationship have, without it you might as well not have a relationship at all (if you could call it that). How hard is it really to say "I feel *blah blah blah* because *insert explanation here*? But no you all have to bury your problems until it's impossible to save whats left of the friendship etc.

Out of honesty all of you that DO, do that are full of shit. There's no way around it, how can you call yourself a best friend when you obviously don't act the part? How can you say you love someone to everybody else and then when it's convenient say you're not sure how you feel? How can you say to someone, "I could never replace you" one day and then the next day, say "I met someone that can take your place". It's all bullshit, you know what? You're not obligated to give someone a title so if you don't mean it then don't say it, if someone doesn't mean something to you, don't tell the world they do, people are so engulfed with their own lives they don't care what someone means to you. So why put on a show when no one's watching? Tell the truth, express yourself and suck it up because at the end of the day what've you got to lose, when the only thing worth saving will be destroyed if you DON'T say it?


"Wouldn't the world be better off if we decide..
we don't need our pride anymore"

Hello, I'm Your Worst Nightmare Have You Been Dying to Test My Limits? Well Welcome, You Crossed the Line

Rage, you want to talk to me about rage? You don't know my past, the things I've done, the things I'm capable of. Granted if you're reading this you probably or definitely never will because let me tell you I do a good job of controlling it. Politically correct? Let me say FUCK THAT for once because guess what? Here comes the old me or a part of me because let me not lead you to believe I've been as much of a bitch as many of you think I am.

FUCK LIARS, AND CHEATERS, BETRAYERS, DECEIVERS, PRETENDERS, MISLEADERS and please please please! Forgive me if I missed any others of you that are scum and don't deserve one single thing that you have, no matter how UNFORTUNATE you fucking are. I'm done being so nice to people that don't deserve shit from me, you selfish assholes deserve everything you get and then some. You want to see this part of me, you think I kiss your ass too much and I'm there too much and I give a shit too much? Well then excuse me while I rearrange my priorities and change who I am for you all, you want neglect I'll neglect you like my father did me, treat you like I could care less only to feel guilty when something happens to you like I've watched happen to some, I hate the son of a bitch and I don't give a shit if I ever see him again.

So hate me, go ahead be my guest, I tried to give chances, I tried to give the benefit of the doubt, I tried to care about people's feelings because well I guess that's just me, too kind for my own good and I appreciate the people who feel the same, that are kind towards me without expecting anything in return or me to act any differently than I have, thank you for showing me that SOME people actually care. As for the rest of you, you want me to treat you like shit, like I have been treated? You want me to pass on the vicious cycle of hate and not care who it ends up hurting or killing because at some point that's what it winds up doing that's what causes suicide, some asshole who couldn't be a decent human being, treating someone they should appreciate like they mean less than nothing and letting it escalate to ridiculous proportions. What kind of people are around us that rather that happen to someone as long as it doesn't QUITE kill them. They can be miserable and hurt whoever they like, as long as they can get over it, who cares about the consequences? My patience is DONE, my temper is now cut in half and my faith in people diminished to it's very core.

You want to know what I know about hate? I know that three of my great-uncle's are dead because of it, ONE piece of shit for a father, one alcoholic, drunk, motherfucker that couldn't respect his wife, my wonderful great-grandmother that is going to be having surgery soon, that piece of shit drove them towards the same fucking habits, to numb the pain to try and erase the scars of the beatings, the daily drunken beatings and watching their mother nearly get killed several times, stealing, drugs, alcohol every bad habit you could imagine, followed by every consequence that follows them, THAT'S why I saw ONE die, THAT'S why I never met the other two, one of which was my amazing godfather, THAT'S why my great-grandmother had to bury three of her fucking sons in their 20's and is so negative, she actually expects people to die when they end up in a hospital.

That's what happens when people start thinking of themselves and stop caring about other people, when they put themselves first and say "Fuck you all, I'M the only one that's worth it." Did anybody ever tell you when you stop caring about other people and are too busy being there for yourself to be there for them, the ONE day when you need them most, they won't be there for you?

She ran for the window it was open screen and all, the window of the fifth floor, she jumped out and at the last moment she was caught by the gold chain that hung around her neck and pulled back to safety.

I wear that gold chain around my neck everyday and never forget the importance it holds, it saved a woman I love more than the world itself no matter what discrepancies there have been. She wouldn't be alive if it weren't for this very chain. Her mother's hate passed on from that very same, alcoholic father, my great-grandfather and almost ended her life, from the same habits, the same strand of uncaring and the very thing that could have caused me not to be here. You never know what could have stopped YOUR existence. The parents that beat their son and turned him into a murderer that could have slit your throat before you could even think twice. So now that you've thought about it let me say, TOO LATE, this is what you all wanted right? To be treated like this? To see my "bad side," to see me be a bitch FINALLY because I seem to never fight back? and you mistake that for weakness instead of what it really is? Well? That's what you've wanted all along right? Well you've got it, one cold bitch, with a side of "I don't give a shit" coming RIGHT up. You'll regret this.

"Don't Try and call me a hypocrite
Cause I will do what I want to"

November 8th at one in the morning I wrote this, completely out of my mind and overcome by one of many bad habits, I decided not to post it but why? That's not me I don't hide I face things whether they can break me down or not....

"My inhibitions are beyond reach right now, honestly I probably won't even remember writing this by tomorrow morning, but i could care less. All these vices are taking over and only pure desire courses through my veins. This will most likely be the only time I will ever write so informally and incorrectly merely because this is only raw emotion being poured out into paper. Vulgar is also synonymous with addiction, as in the ones that I have succumb to.I couldn't answer even to this moment if someone asked me why I fell in love, only that I did and I fell hard. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking though. In case no one has ever told you, love is the most contradictory of feelings. Sure when you're on top of cloud nine, the grass could never be greener and the sky ever clearer, but the heart break makes up for it because of course someone who could have the ability to put you in that state of euphoria could just as easily make you wish you didn't exist, make you feel like your best will never be good enough and anything that will reach their standards is well out of your reach. How is that possible? Far be it for me to make sense out of the unreasonable."

Now it is November 30th and that seems like a reverie, a delusion. I struck myself hard, I blame myself again, so what better thing to do than hurt the enabler? The silvery demon brushes against my skin and the vexation spews out as if it never belonged there, as if it is foreign to my body it leaks furiously tempting me to free it, whispering secrets that tell of the possibilities which come with it's release. It brushes me continuously soothing the pain and calming my aching chest, my heart beat softens from it's previous inexplicable frenzy and it reverts to normal beating. Like a lullaby, it beckons me to follow it, to remain in this bliss and never let it end, but those I love call me back, their piercing screams drowning out the soft lullaby and just like that the pain returns and rips me from my sweet 'almost' slumber, the harsh reality overcomes me, head spins from the deadly struggle and my stomach turns searching for that same familiar release but I stop it knowing I won't experience the same effect. It's just begun, but in a way it's finally over, I know now what I was looking for and now that I've found it I have to run the other way, towards that same old sanity that has become a distant memory. It won't be long now, it won't be long til it's all over.

"And It'll never be fair,
I wrote my songs for you
and you never even cared,
so I'll forget you
I'll wash your T-shirt
kill the pillow and
cut you out of pictures"

Now it will be the new and the newer and I won't go back there again, for if I do the silvery demon will drown out the piercing screams and pull me into it's waiting arms. Formerly known as...

Eradicate My Heart For I'll Destroy It With My Own Unattainable Desire, Just Keep Breathing

"Sweet red cherry blossom tree
that lives in both you and me
You marked your name
but I can see, its not on me
So I've shamelessly gone
and made myself come undone
Heavy hangs my head when I'm Unhearted."

"You're really sweet, I hope you fall in love with someone who loves you just as much"

Such sweet words from such a good girl and I know she means them, an actual friend I have been able to speak to about the thoughts I struggle with and the turmoils of my heart. I can only hope, more so than her for those word's fulfillment. It's simply amazing where we end up, the things you go after are always just out of reach and the one's you don't want seem to pile one after the other, strangling you, suffocating you as you lay in their grasp. But, I do suppose that those who you sought after are being affected in such ways by you, in a sensible world that is...then again whoever called the world in which we reside, sensible by any means? There is of course the things that escape you, the places where you never thought to look, that which you want but never cared to glance at, the unexpected so to speak and that is the simple shred of hope that keeps me a hopeless romantic.


I'm miserable at best but no one would ever guess in the overjoyed way that I carry myself, in my effortless composure. But it's not effortless is it? Everyday I awake and bury a part of myself in order to prevent my very own destruction. Why pretend though? Why not show my true face?....Why should I when no one cares? Whether I show the truth or lie it will make no difference, everything will remain unchanged and the past will still exist merely in the past.


I feel it overcoming more than ever now, that intense selfishness, the one that calls me into seclusion and bids me to deceive, to protect myself, to ensure that I will never be hurt. There lies consequences in every decision, to love is to risk not being loved in return, to hope is to risk pain, to try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard of all is to risk nothing. I have learned that if you stand still nothing will change and you will go nowhere in life. So why do I remain intent on standing exactly where I have been for so long? Because I have remained here so long, I have forgotten what movement is and fear there is no surface around me, this meaning...if I step...will I fall?


Oh how I could never admit to you how you truly and completely destroyed my life, without even meaning to in your own selfishness. How could you do that to me? Your baby girl, your only daughter. It sickens me that you don't even feel the slightest remorse for your actions, that you carry on as a bottom feeder as I narrowly miss taking your path and losing everything that means anything to me. I struggle with my demons, fighting my own conscience to hold tight what has done me good, those I love and wish to trust. But it will never be full, all because of you will it? I will never trust whole-heartedly...or love, you shattered that for me didn't you? After all if you could only love me in such a conditional way, what other human being could possibly love me unconditionally? As is proven right, over and over again, by anyone I have dared to reveal my vulnerability to.


You know I blame myself everyday, for all of it. I try to rationalize it in a logical sense, but this will never be logical, on the contrary it will only exist as illogical. Who I am has always been the fullest sense of the word. My mind could not get more complicated, so I do not often follow it's thoughts. I lead my actions with my heart, for at least then I know they are pure, unlike what yours have been. I find myself retracing your steps at times and I deviate making my own, for I will not let myself become in any which way what you are.


Not good enough, that's what my beating heart shouts at me. Not good enough for him, not good for her, not good enough for anybody else. What has happened to me? In a matter of months everything that I fought so hard to hide from my very own thoughts has come seeping out, flooding my very being and being exposed to those that surround me, piece by piece. I haven't the slightest clue how much longer I can last, how much longer these oceans can be held by nets, I only know that it won't be forever. I'm fighting the tides and it's a losing battle, so I swim in an attempt to escape and all along I just keep breathing.


~Crystal Calamitous~

Turn Up the Music and Drown It Out Because Nothing's Worse Than This Sound

Overflowing with thoughts...as if this is something new for me.

"You are incapable of loving someone if you can't love yourself," she says.

Cliche? Yes. True? Who can say?

"Not everyone is the same you can't place all of humanity in the same category, maybe there is such a selfless love where you would undoubtedly give anything and everything blindly. Maybe there comes a day where you fall unconditionally and irrevocably in love with someone without reason." Is what I say.

"That's foolish," is what I think to myself, "crazy even," another hushed thought.

There was other words exchanged and still I left the discussion, views unaltered.

Love. Simply a four letter word and yet, it is the meaning behind it that holds significance. It is sacrifice, it IS selflessness and an inexplicable connection immediately, a sense of trust without time and a closeness that cannot be forgotten. There does not exist a moment where you put yourself before that other person because as it is said, "To the world you are but one person...but to one person you are the world." I hold those words close to my heart.

How can one continue to have such faith in humanity in a world like ours? I could never answer that question for I wonder sometimes how long I myself can hold on to that faith. It's been slipping lately I've even contemplated changing schools, starting new, getting away from my past, although I'm not one to run. That looming feeling of unfathomable loneliness is overcoming me, one that could not be satisfied in the most populated of places.

She says it will fade and I lay there studying her face, I see nothing but truth in her crystal blue eyes and slight relief washes over me momentarily. Then I think of the past and I know it will take a lot longer than she anticipates, perhaps longer than I do. I see a solution, starting over, but is that an impossibility? I cannot be sure. At this point she has become my unattainable dream, so where so we go from here? Only time will tell. For now I will simply drown out the noise with music, as I have always done.

And when you're spinnin' round and round I'm the psycho goin outta control

Lie, trick, deceive, all things that are considered wrong and of a bad nature, or so it would seem. We are all guilty of committing these wrong deeds at least once and I of course am no different. You have now grown the conception that I have done them merely for what they symbolize, to hurt, and cause misery, but I haven't at least not this particular time.

The only one I hurt was myself and I have no regrets, I planned it from the moment I knew there would be confusion involved, any hint of inner struggles and I slowly got into character as I have always done to spare others. I guess that's the advantage of being an actress, no one really has to know the truth unless you allow them to see it. Have I just revealed my secret? Seemingly yes, but these words will never have meaning for the task has been accomplished.

I did it for you and I did it for her, it seems crazy I know but I would rather you both be happy and yes if I must be engulfed in the chaos I will gladly throw myself among it and assure you that there is no choice. There never was and there never will be, but I wanted you to ostracize me, I did - give you reason to detach yourself not make you feel guilt because you have no reason to. Why do I sabotage myself and the chances I am given? Because I truly believe that no person will ever be fully satisfied with seeing who I am.

Cancer, known as the sensitive sign, but with time grows a harder shell, good right? No because it is true with time I have become stronger but with that shell came detachment, encasement. Trust issues? That would perhaps be the largest understatement I have ever heard, more than anyone will ever know. With the betrayal I have endured, my tears have run dry and I no longer cry for things that once felt so significant, but now I face something worse than hurt, I face isolation.

Whoever knew that in a crowd of hundreds, even when having the best time of your life, you could feel so very alone? I've closed off the world, my friends, my family, nobody really has any idea anymore, because of what? Fear? What am I so afraid of? Oh yeah, everyone proving me right, like they always do. It is true I tricked you into proving me right, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that somewhere in my subconcious thoughts...I wanted you to be the one person to prove me wrong.

For a Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic

I don't really know when it is that I woke up and everything was ok, I think it was that last time that I let everything out....only I didn't. I know there's so many things left to fix and so many problems that are forming in my head and out. It's ok it really is. I guess I just realized that everything can be a last time. The last "hello", the last "I love you", the last "goodbye". How could I live with myself if I took it all for granted? I couldn't. That's the honest truth.

Every possible thing that could go wrong did, I lost someone that I loved more than the world itself and the people that I had first cared for as family had dropped me like it was a meaningless task. The only thing I kept saying was, "It WON'T get better", "Before this year ends it will become everything that I hoped it wouldn't be." For one split second I gave up hope and didn't want to bother trying anymore. It wasn't worth it, none of it was worth it, I no longer meant anything to anyone so why bother?

I was scared, that was my biggest thing. Fear wasn't something I often felt....that scared me the most. What was I gonna do when I left? I had no idea, for once in my life I hadn't the slightest clue where I was headed in life. I was always the person that everybody needed, the person that everybody came to with every disappointment in life no matter how big or small it didn't matter....I still am. But, for how long? Until high school ended? Until college ended? How long until the only person who needs me..is me? Of course my family loves me, I know that, but once I left they would no longer need me, it's just the reality. So it's true I have grown familiar with the notion that everyone leaves.

Why did I care so much? Why do I? All everybody ever does is prove me right. Every last person that I hoped wouldn't, DID. So why do I care so much? Why do I have so much faith in people when no one gives me a reason to?

Sometimes I dream of running away from everything and everyone. Who would miss me? Who would be happy I left? I don't know, I can never answer that question.

I'll write another day, it's too much right now. I won't be scared again. I won't go back to that place.

"Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while
You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape." Relient K

Because of You

So I can't even begin to explain how many times you've won. How many times I've let myself believe that I ruined everything, that I'm the fuck-up. And you know that about me, you were the first person I ever let in and you took advantage of every single thing you learned about me. You used me, you turned the people closest to my heart against me and made sure that when you decided to leave, my heart would be left broken and bleeding. You know how much it hurts, you know how much I cared for you.


You know that in every friendship or relationship I've ever had I've ALWAYS blamed myself for everything that went wrong. It's what I do, when I say it's my fault, I mean it because it always is. I'm the reason everything falls apart because there was always one more thing I could have done to stop it and that kills me inside. I know you feel guilt, you are hurtful but still human and still I believe there is a part of you that knows you let go of someone that would've always been there to catch you.


You threw every single thing you ever did for me in my face and I responded with nothing. I said what I felt...hurt, shocked, broken, but never once did I fight back, never once did I name all the things I did for YOU, never once did I tell you that you didn't have the smallest right to call me selfish after what I sacrificed. Everything I did WAS for you not me, or have you honestly convinced yourself that I actually did something for myself for once?


Funny....that's what you wanted, you wanted me to finally think of myself for once and stop worrying so much about every body's feelings and when I was honest with you what good came of it? Then again from what you told me it's what you wanted for a long time. It was a revelation, it uncovered all the lies, all the broken promises, it showed me the person that you could be and that in reality you could turn against anyone, no matter how much they had done for you.


You were my hope for man kind, my little shred of proof that people aren't always what everybody judges them to be and in that one moment, the one when I found it was all a lie, those hopes all came crashing down. I spiraled to disaster and almost lost all faith in humanity because without my knowing I had put it into your hands to hold and keep safe and you had thrown it over your shoulder without the slightest desire to look back.


You proved to me what I had known all along, no one truly cares, they would save themselves before saving you anytime, they would gladly run away when things got too difficult, they would kick you when your at your lowest and then stand over you and laugh at your pain. Because many people thrive on cruelty, they feed off of it and even the people that you think you know the best have the power to completely betray you in one short instance.


I will never be you, i will never let the ones I love, perish as I walk away unscathed. You see that's the difference between you and I. I will always surrender everything to those I love and you will only run in fear never surrendering a single thing. You will keep running, leaving disaster wherever you go, wreaking havoc upon innocent hearts that will plead to protect you, not knowing you will ultimately cast them aside as if they meant nothing to you. If only you knew all the things I never said so that you would not feel pain. All the words that went unspoken and the feelings that were buried.


The last thing you called me was selfish, that I had changed and only thought of myself and that was the thing you convinced everybody around you. That I used you and I was constantly causing you pain and agony. And of course the money was brought up on several occasions, for gas, the thing that was bought for us to do things together. I didn't need anything from you at all, nothing but your friendship, I could have taken care of everything else myself, but you never said ANYTHING, all you said was you wanted to, that if I needed it you would give it to me and foolish as I was I believed you...never again.


When everything begins to unravel the harsh reality is that you will be left standing alone because the people you will eventually surround yourself with, in the midst of your destructive behavior will be just like you, merely pretenders and then you'll see yourself for who you truly are.


One day you will find an envelope, a simple piece of mail on you're doorstep, in it a large sum of money and written on top of it, seven simple words..

"For everything you ever wasted on me."

The Days Are Numbered

Soon. I will find myself in a car, driving to determine my future.

Soon. I will find myself in a car sitting in the passenger seat, waiting to arrive at a place that may determine my future.

Soon. I will find myself in a car, leaving a place that is filled with potential and growth.




Passing is the first step, for it will give me that which I need to add myself to a list of thousands.

Being admitted is the second, for it will give me the key to my dreams.

Making it.....that's when it becomes real.

I want it...I want it more than anything, it is my passion, it is my heart and soul, but it is not my full happiness. That, is contained within love and within love only. There is things that will be left behind, people that I am not ready to leave. Friendships that may or may not become more. And if I make it? What becomes of that? A question I cannot answer.

Now I feel fear, anxiousness, hurt, disappointment, determination, love, hate, confusion, hope. The problem isn't not knowing how i feel, but rather feeling too much at once. I seem undecided now, but when the moment comes I will not hesitate, I will go for it without looking back and reach a new level. I will doing anything to realize my dreams.

But what could I be leaving behind?

One year. That's how long I have, one year until the strings are cut and I find myself faced with a forbidden ocean, one that once seemed like a pond, with the amount of restrictions put upon it, but no longer will. I am not afraid of the things that I will encounter or the experiences that I will have. I am afraid of what I am leaving behind. Not afraid of it exactly....more afraid of missing it, all of it.

I can't wait....I can wait...I can't decide.
That's the problem. Ugh.

The First Step is Admitting it

Not so long ago I found myself at your resting place, but I was not ready to leave the car. My mom wanted to go see you, she wanted to feel your presence again and she still does. We all want to, we all go through the roller coaster of thinking you're here and then realizing you're gone. But it never really ends, we awake the next morning in the past only to repeat the same process over and over again. I wonder how long it's going to take to get used to it, to remain in that state of acceptance, the one in which we miss you, but know that you're really gone and that it will be a while until we find ourselves with you again. Again someone close to me passed away and I felt overwhelmed with guilt...not with regrets, I never regret anything. I believe everything happens for a reason and that every experience no matter how small or large becomes a part of who we are and betters us in the most unexpected ways.

But I did feel guilt, the same guilt I felt only a few short years ago. I wanted to be there. No matter how painful it would have been, I wanted to be by your side that very morning, that very moment, telling you I loved you more than anything in the world and that I cared about you more than could ever be put into words. Of course I know you knew, I don't wonder that, but nonetheless no one can help but wish that they said more, did more, showed more. My mom said I wouldn't have wanted to see you like that, that you were in so much pain I would have cried and made you feel worse, but I would've hid it, I would've given anything to know what was to come, to have my chance to say goodbye, even if no matter what, it would not prepare me for the next day or months. I just wanted to hug you one last time and put all my emotions into that one embrace...but it is in the past, it is something that I cannot change and if I remain trapped in that moment in time I may never move on. For if we live in the past, we have no present...no future.

I did say 'I love you' two days before, when i sat and prayed and asked for one thing and one thing only. I didn't bargain, I didn't plead and my intentions were all but selfish. I asked for you to stop suffering...even if it meant I had to suffer...even if it meant we all had to suffer. It was our turn because you had been put through so much pain already. You lived 20 years more than was possible, escaped death once and had for the past few months been through the worst of it. Never had I met someone who was put through so much that had such strength and put up such a fight.

I was there during it all. Numerous amounts of hospital rooms, tests, accidents, episodes, all which could be put into one super-category...suffering. The ICU was perhaps the worst, you didn't even remember being there, but it was something that I'll never forget. I can still hear the monotonous beeping of the machines and the constant whistle of the respirator, a sound that i will not soon forget and a sound that often haunts my mind and dreams...or rather nightmares. But the worst of it was where all the machines led to. There was tubes everywhere, all around your neck, in your mouth, in your nose, IVs in your arm, and even in that sedated state you felt pain, you groaned upon feeling all the mess of technology around your body. When you finally awoke you could not even speak a comprehensible sentence and instead of forming words you made sounds.

From then on it was ups and downs, but there was not one second that you weren't in pain emotionally and physically. We all experienced many things and underwent many changes, we worried, we prayed, we kept hope and uplifted people's spirits along the way, we made many friends and they still call our family to ask how we are holding up. Everybody loved you, we all still do. I wonder if this very moment there are people praying for you, unknowing to the fact that you have passed away. There probably are.

But that is not the man that I will remember, I will only refer to that time as a symbol of your strength and as time that I spent by your side.

It wasn't the cemetery that made me think of you...it did, but only of the fact that you were gone and, I felt the sting of a void and emotions of emptiness hurt brought me to tears. It was the smallest thing. I was looking through my drawers and found the lock that you gave me when I was a little girl, the one that I could never open after not using it for so long. I remembered how I went to you when I couldn't recall the combination and how you always did no matter how long it had been. I sat there spinning it a few times determined to decipher it and after a few tries it all came rushing back to me from the past. I turned the dial hesitantly...right.....left.....right................click. I remembered it, I don't know how I remembered it, but when it opened I smiled and thought of you.

Strange how it's the little things that always stay with you, surely one of the reasons I spend so much time doing little things for the one's I love. I have so many memories, but even in this state of pain I do not wish to forget them. The emotional morphine has been taken as I come face to face with the reality....I am ready. Finally.

You'll always and forever be in my heart and every time I see a baseball game, or a park...every time I feel the streaming sunlight or a gentle breeze...it'll remind me of you. I may not always stop and think about it, but it will.

I miss you.
I love you.
I'll see you again.
One day<3

Is This Really Goodbye?

I sit here reflecting on how things once were, but I wonder if what they seemed back then is the truth. I've been engulfed by hurt to the point where I no longer recognize true happiness and what little is left of it, is only temporary, only lasts a fraction of a second until reality sinks in. The numbness I felt since my grandfather passed away, only grew stronger with every word we spoke to each other. I had no intention of causing pain, but in speaking the truth, that is exactly what happened. At first I felt remorse, I felt as if I had broken something that was fragile beyond comprehension. But then as I sat and thought, I realized that what I caused to happen needed to occur. It was an unintentional test, a divine intervention that revealed everything as it existed in it's true form. I read and re-read every word I spoke, or rather didn't speak, crying and wanting to take back everything I had said. And I dreamt of the days when I ignored what I felt no matter how badly it hurt because compared to this giant void I would rather feel pain, deception, disappointment, betrayal --for all of the worlds darkest emotions would never compare to that which overcomes me now....emptiness. That's when I had an epiphany, none of it was hurtful, none of it vindictive or manipulative. It was the truth, how i felt, nothing more, nothing less. If I could have said it to suit her needs I know it would not be my true feelings, for what I said was passion, raw emotion, my heart poured out into words. If she showed me she cared more, that she'd rather make it over the "bump in the road", to speak of the imperfections that seemed so forbidden, to admit everything and reveal anything, whether it meant being right or wrong, instead of pretending as if none of it exists and continuing through life enjoying the pleasantries and ignoring the complications, I don't know what I would do, for I have already familiarized myself with the idea that all good things come to an end, after all that's what our friendship is, good...or rather to me, incredible. And all that continues rushing through my thoughts is, after all that has happened, after all the trust developed, all the secrets kept, all the promises made...

Is this really goodbye?