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I Believe in Nothing but the Beating of Our Hearts...I Believe in Nothing but the Truth of Who We Are

So I've been meaning to blog for quite a while now, but every time I went to type something I'd either lose motivation or get distracted, this is the first time in a while that I've been home alone, left with only the resounding thoughts within my mind. So how to recap the last few months... Realistically I can't, so much has happened, losing touch with some friends, gaining stronger bonds with others, and crazy relationship drama that almost made me write one or two drunken blogs. I wouldn't have regretted it, but rather I realized it wasn't worth writing about for it would've only worsened my state of mind at the time, and God knows I didn't need to do that.

So what is there big and important to say? I fell in love with her, oddly enough we met the same day as I met my other favorite girl, but things always seem to have patterns in my life as strange as that may seem. Well...some arguments, a few dates, two sketches, a promise ring, and most recently and diamond necklace later, somehow this crazy relationship has held together. Do we love each other? Yes, in an unconventional, unorthodox way, but nonetheless we do. Will that change? Without question. And will we end up with other people? There's not a doubt in my mind. Can I/Do I love other people? Possibly/most definitely there's something that's always ran through my mind.

And is it possible to love more than one? Well of course it is, if one believes there is multiple soul mates in the world for us, then as unlikely as it is to find even one, it is possible to find more than one. Even if you don't believe in multiple soul mates, there is always the question of, if you can love someone like a sister and someone like a mother, someone like a cousin and someone like a best friend, well then in a world where nothing is black and white, one that is made up of many shades and hues, is it not possible to fall in love with more than one person? And love them at different intensities, for different reasons, that are not in any way reasonable?

So I do love him, he's a complete sweetheart and there is physical attraction there, but of course the intensity of my love for him fails in comparison to what I feel for all three of them. As harsh as this sounds, it's somewhat like placing a diamond next to stars, it will still have brilliancy, but will not come close to the shimmer of the stars around it, and yet it holds it own unique value.

Her I love because even though we're miles apart there seems to be no one that understands me better, I do question if we would be together, if she only lived closer or even be soul mates, but that one day is going to determine the true intensity of our relationship beyond being just friends.

She's just a mystery, and of course in this situation I always question timing, it always seemed to be about timing, whether it was when we met, how fast things moved, what point we were in our lives and even things as simple as not being home at the right time, but of course there is nothing I would change, things happened(even if it's not the case in some situations), in this case I believe everything happened for reason.

I lost that one important thing, that I had kept for so long, the thing that caused a fight between him and I. It was a mix of feelings both physical and mental, and if I could go back I wouldn't, the relationship between us was always complicated. There was always this sense of wonderment, one of those, "If I don't take a chance, I'm always going to wonder what could've been." He's far from perfect, but somehow there was always something that drew me to him, this sort of attraction, at this point I don't know if things will ever be the same or even if I'll ever see him again, but of course he's someone I will never forget.

And of course of everything that happened in 2009 I can't forget, Marcella Dawson, a great woman and an even greater, grandmother, mother and of course wife, she passed on December 19th which in my eyes and the eyes of my family, caused the world to be less of a place. And of course once again, this sent my mind on a wild train of thoughts, but of all the thoughts that crossed my mind one stuck out the most, and that is the fact that every day someone dies, everyday the world stops for a husband or wife somewhere, a father or a mother, a son or a daughter, to them it's as if the whole world should be grieving their loss because how can such an amazing person be gone forever? But, the world doesn't stop it keeps going as it must, because if the world stopped for every person that left this Earth, we would be permanently frozen in time. However, this isn't what makes the passing of a loved one any less or more important, what makes it so important isn't whether or not the whole country or world hears about it, or even how many people that person knew, it's the strength of the impact that person had on others lives, not in teaching, but in love and compassion, after all as it is said, one true friend is worth more than all the acquaintances in the world.

So that was the rest of my year in a nut shell. Sure I left out the holidays, and the crazy nights, but I guess my life always seems hectic, writing about all the insane nights I had would simply be too much. There is one more recent thought in my mind though, it's what put the idea in my mind to blog in the first place, last night I had a dream....

In this dream there was a lot of things that didn't make sense, things like hugging him as he lay on top of me facing the ceiling, while he lay next to me, he turned in my arms facing me and complimented me and I could tell there was one thing on his mind...sex. It was strange because I rarely see him, only occasionally when I go to his house...but he does play guitar and I always thought he was really cute, so perhaps it was the meaning behind it and the intentions of a man, my minds attempt at making a connection between the two situations and showing me that it's still present in my thoughts. Still...what a strange way of my brain communicating these thoughts to me.

Then she was present in my dreams the odd thing? I can't remember how, I know I dreamt of her but it's as if she was far away, and the lack of contact made our interaction forgettable it was the first thing I dreamt about, but also the first thing to leave my mind...maybe the lack of communication and general face to face interaction between us translated into my dreams.

Then there was this one part of my dream that came to me immediately when I woke to my phone buzzing this morning. We were in my room and this interaction seemed very vivid and real for some reason. We sat Indian style side by side finally watching that movie on my huge computer screen, I can't remember actually seeing the movie, but I knew what it was for some reason. At one point we started joking around and I ended up holding her left hand in my left hand and her right in my right, the moment went from light to serious when I decided to stop wrestling and I just held her hands in place, my heart raced and nerves seem to kick in full blast and then she did something I didn't expect. With her right hand still held in mine she reached up and touched my chin, I shook from an inexplicable cold chill that was overtaking me, it felt like fear, but it wasn't fear of what was happening it was a fear in the back of my mind. She then pulled her hand away from my face back down with mine onto her lap released my left hand and laced it over my right hand so my right hand was between both of her hands, the chilling cold went away and was immediately replaced by a warmth. I felt safe, I felt the fear in the back of my mind dissipate because that's when I realized..even if things changed we wouldn't lose what we had, after all...we did it once before.

"Your defenses were on high, your walls built deep inside.....Was it a dream? Was it a dream? Is this the only evidence that proves it?..."

Heaven's Not a Place That You Go When You Die, It's That Moment in Life When You Actually Feel Alive...So Live For the Moment

Here we go again...Here I am sitting in front of this stupid computer spilling my heart out and playing my guitar and listening to music all for the same purpose to retain my sanity to keep going and not have to actually say anything to anybody. This is how it used to be, me and my music and reverberating sounds coming from the four walls around me, there was no one I could actually trust and I keep telling myself I want it to be like that again, I keep questioning if the pain that people ultimately cause is worth letting them into your life to help you patch up a sew cuts along the way. But I know that's not what I want, I keep fooling myself and distracting myself and whatever other form of lying to yourself there is because the fact is with all I have as completely selfish as this sounds I'm not happy...The truth being as much of a brave face as I put on for everybody, I'm scared out of my mind, of everything that's coming, of feeling like I'm never going to move on from something that was over before it began and feeling like when you really, truly love someone you can let them be happy with whoever it is that makes them happy, but questioning whether or not I'm strong enough to deal with the pain that I pretend doesn't exist, but now even more I'm scared that between all this lying to myself and trying to be better for everyone else and hiding things so that people can have me there for them, even though I let them believe that it doesn't bother me when they don't ask if I'm falling apart too, I'm scared that between all that I'll lose myself completely..

It's funny, I had the most random flashback yesterday, I thought back to last year just before the beginning of summer I remember silently arguing with myself about calling, feeling so nervous and then laughing at myself thinking I never acted like this and then immediately after thinking ,this is ridiculous, this is never going to go anywhere anyway, I'm just setting myself up for disappointment, but being the emotionally lead person I've always been I went with my heart and said "fuck it" because all I thought is what if I miss the best thing that could ever happen to me and in a way..it was. I sure as hell had no idea what I was getting myself into, everything in my life changed and as hard as it would be for anybody to believe other than me, my world was completely turned upside down. I couldn't and still don't believe how earth shattering something could be, but it was and fuck I dragged my feet through broken glass and then picked myself up with whatever dignity I had left because of course there is no pride involved when true feelings are involved, that all goes out the window and even now I think to myself how completely unlike me and insane that is to be willing to give up everything for one person...even control..which I'm never quick to hand over, ever. But after all that I don't think I'd change a thing...


And yet, another thing comes to mind, I think of that sweet guy that I thought I was falling hard for, but of course it was my heart pulling tricks on me again and then a quick thought crosses my mind that if my feelings could change that quickly for someone why couldn't the same happen to someone over me..I guess it was just something I was never faced with, because I was used to getting the person I wanted if I felt it was worth bothering over as cold and unlike me as that sounds.


Then I think what if's. I think what if I has said yes that day in the lobby, what if on an impulse guilt overwhelmed heart and I said a three letter word instead of the two letter one that came out causing the same effect on him it would soon have on me. Everything's a concatenation of events and we're usually just along for the ride once we start the domino effect. Still I think of all the things that would be different, my friends, my relationships, my open orientation, my health, and myself. I mean even things like my best friend I wouldn't be distanced from him like I am now he wouldn't be ashamed of what I am.


I can tell people how much it hurts, the words that came out of his mouth that day like a foreign language to me like the decade that I knew him that we grew into ourselves suddenly meant so much less, the endless tears that dropped like nothing until I heaved from not being able to breath and could no longer release anymore moisture and how as I sat on the bathroom floor covering my mouth so no one could hear feeling completely empty and as if I had everything to be penitent over, I felt my heart shatter when it was broken to begin with and if it weren't for the ever present ache that returns constantly reminding me what pain feels like I would think it didn't even exist anymore.


But they could care less everybody's too wrapped up in themselves and their own problems that's just the fucking sad truth and I don't understand how or why I have the capacity to love people to the point that I feel their pain and wish it upon myself, just to end their suffering and yet I know this doesn't cross any of their minds again, oblivious. I don't want to feel bad anymore for other people, I just want to stop caring so I can move on with my life and do things for myself and not give something that I don't get in return for once in my damn life because it's been like that my whole life even when I covered it with anger and scowls, it's always been me standing there just as willing to throw myself in front of a car to save a life, yea so what I'm not a picture of modesty right now but it's honestly the only way I know how to be and I wouldn't change that about me even though I feel so much resentment over it like now.


I don't regret being selfless and not the bullshit version of it, not the person that says they'll always be there for you if you need them and then suddenly when they have problems you don't matter anymore because I know far too many people like that, but the person that is willing to drop everything just to wipe away your tears or hold your hand or wrap comforting arms around you because sometimes that's all people really need, not someone to solve all their problems just someone to tell them everything is going to be ok and really mean it from the bottom of their heart..that's all I've ever wanted.


But I don't know, maybe that's just too much to ask in the world we live in today, maybe we all forgot that sometimes we can fool ourselves into believing that we're the center of the universe and that no problems could possibly be worse than ours but truth is, the person sitting right next to you could be planning their own death and yet..there you are wondering why your boyfriend had to break up with you right before prom.

Something Feels Different, Now If Only It Would Present Itself in a Perceivable Form

I really don't know how to explain the way I've been feeling lately, that looming feeling of dissatisfaction with my life hasn't dissipated, but something feels OK, something in the back of my mind is trying to tell me something. I don't know if something's going to happen, or maybe I'm just over analyzing my empathetic behavior that has become all too familiar a thing. It's strange..almost unfamiliar thinking of how things were once, whether it be ten years ago, six years ago or even a year ago. So much has changed and with the people that have thankfully entered my life, I changed things about myself and admitted things that I never thought I would. I can honestly say that I've always been the same person, but now I'm starting to let people see the sides of me that I used to hide, not for fear of judgement, but just because I didn't want people to know what kind of a person I really was. To me it was always a matter of what people could use against you after all if people don't truly know who you are and what makes you tick, how could they ever hurt you?

I thought today about so many things and I was in that depressed state of mind, but somehow I was tired for everything but to reminisce about the past. You see..before I moved I had all these friends, but only one I could consider a true friend someone I could confide in and it was more about always being there for each other even though at that age who you played video games with seemed more important. Everyone else was an acquaintance, just people to talk to, people that sought advice or to compete with me on all different levels, but mostly people that I knew with time would drop on my list of priorities throughout life.

As I got older this changed all the moves and growing up I had to do that one year put things into perspective for me and I started wondering what I had been doing wrong. It's a hard thing for even me to fathom and I'm sure impossible for anyone to ever say aloud, but I know people other than me have felt it, that odd empty feeling that makes you feel hopeless in a way, but not necessarily by your own account.

I fell in and out of love and it's easy to say things are mere coincidences, but as you look back on life you realize everything really does happen for reason whether or not you experience joy from it, you end up where you need to be. He meant the world to me at once and I'm sure if I were to see him or talk to him again I would feel that tinge of excitement I always got when I got a call from him, but life isn't about getting over love, it's about recognizing when it's in front of you and if you're lucky enough you'll land in it's grasps and feel it's euphoric existence.

Replacing love in your life isn't a solution, it is only a distraction because if the love is stronger it will overtake any old feelings even if they still exist. I know this for a fact because that's exactly what happened to me, it prompted me to do the unthinkable, but as always no regrets only experiences that happened because they needed to eventually or so goes the law of averages. But that's what really happens when you fall in love it's not to say you lost old feelings, but when a stronger feeling overtakes you the older one I guess in a way can't compete. And it happens every single time, but you don't wait for it, you don't question it, you live it, you go with what you feel, you live life passionately and spontaneously and doing everything that feels right at that moment in time and without fearing consequences or fears themselves too much you get to experience things that some people only dream of or read in books.

Maybe that's what's changed, maybe I'm finally realizing that life isn't really about waiting for good things to happen, maybe I'm realizing that I forgot what I'm really all about, that I forgot how much I used to go after what I wanted and that at some point going after one thing I lost touch with reality and it's time I start going after all the things I want in life no matter what stands in my way, and then things will fall into place the way it was meant to be.

Carpe diem - Seize the day

Recollections of a Mind With No Sanity

So many thoughts consume me, that I don't even know where to start and the things that eat at me the most I can't seem to put down in words so let me just start at a day and work my way from there, or rather a week.

First day back from break, the teachers continue to ramble on about topics long forgotten in the midst of a strange winter break. Oh how I wish I could explain what happened, but it would only bring that familiar pain back so I will leave those occurrences in last year. The day soon comes to an end and I long to come home and just sit listening to the same sweet melodies that have saved me many times before, but instead I am invited to that same place of laughter and easy conversation. Of course it comes to add to my pleasurable day, but I look forward to the long walk and catching up on missed events. That topic is brought up and I try to settle any uneasy feelings, but the paranoia seeps in far too deep to extract and it becomes a hopeless cause. We end up at this unfamiliar place to me, which soon becomes inviting as I step into the comfort of it's surrounding walls and ceilings. There is joking around and craziness and I can't help but feel proud of the girl that I have come to see as somewhat of a little sister and what she has just accomplished. Soon the day comes to an end and I go my separate way, reflecting on the days events momentarily as I run to my own comforting place.

It's been so long since then and I've realized everything that has been in the past two months has been either too eventful or not worth resurfacing, for in the state of mind I am in, it wouldn't be worth the increasing ache that has has been growing stronger with each blow to my confidence, each negative whisper by my own subconscious thoughts, that I don't mean to set free through the convolutions. So lets just start with this past week in all it's hectic glory, I think it pretty much sums up how the start of this year has been....

I am Monday, call me rage. Shitty weekend, just wanted to forget it and do something right for ONCE. Running on two hours of sleep from three days ago. I feel faint, moody, depressed irritable, but I try my best to move past it all in order to prevent an even shittier week from emerging out of all the negative emotions. With no sleep the night before my eyes burn as I struggle to even see what I'm doing as I get dressed and try and look presentable at the very least. I turn and look at the clock, it's too late I'm too exhausted to throw everything on in the 10 seconds I have to prepare, so I sit sulking feeling defeated, an all too familiar feeling lately. I panic and try to contact people, but then realize I feel too much guilt to ask that of anyone even considering my current state of anxiety and constant nervousness.

I trudge slowly and quietly over to their room, gathering whatever defense mechanisms I have left to protect myself. It leads to that same argument, the one that has occurred multiple times even far too many to count. An hour of the same old bullshit and finally I get to school, he gives me an encouraging smile, sincerely wishing for me to have good day. I let myself turn away before I scoff and nearly predict the day that is to come. I head to attendance and begrudgingly fill out that ridiculous sheet of paper, she unknowingly marks the appropriate line jots that little note down then scribbles it out realizing her mistake, not knowing the domino effect that little motion would have on my day.

I head to whats left of first period, slam my things down in frustration and pull out my can of relief, I decide to wait out the rest of it, but barely manage to respond even to him and completely brush off the remainder of the table in an obvious anger. He tries to calm me and I feel at least at slight ease. The bell rings, I grab my drink and after the short walk we say goodbye at least for two periods.

I open my drink and sip it feverishly, needing something to replace the lack of sleep my body has had and the food I've neglected to eat. We basically have a free period and I talk to her the entire time hanging onto her every word and responding appropriately. I understand her and she understands me and we even overlap thoughts without meaning to. we've always had a mutual understanding of many things and as the period passes I'm reminded of why, we talk of plans and relieving stress have some laughs and before we know it the period is over. I tell her goodbye and head to my next class.

Several minutes into the next period I'm called down. I sigh and roll my eyes but nonetheless I drag my feet down the stairs and across the hallways to attendance. I almost go into autopilot only seemingly listening to his words but then I hear it. EXTENDED detention, he says, a wave of anger rushes through my body and I immediately feel my temperature rise as I nearly rip it to shreds and throw it back at him. But I control myself and walk out before my explosion. I storm back to class getting there a lot quicker than I had left. I find myself passing indifferent reactions to my fuming rage and glare at them fully intending to do so and not caring at this point.

I sit down at my desk, my anger apparent as many of the students turn to watch my every move. I silently although not so silently beg the clock to move faster and I make my way to gym upon the sound of the bell immediately explaining my behavior to them. I punch the door on my way out of the locker room and feel no pain, just slight relief and the entire period is filled with concern for me and a therapy through that very fun game made into a full contact sport by us.

Lunchtime. She is immediately concerned, she asks what is wrong and gives me a brief hug. As angry as I am, her presence calms me as it always does though it is never clear to me why exactly that is. I implode the entire period venting to her and letting her words and voice soothe the emotions echoing in my head. I begin to feel my myself subdued with only spurts of that rage and by the next period it slowly dwindles down to a soft murmur. The rest of the day is uneventful.

Tuesday, call me vacillating. Nothing eventful happened at school, back and forth with my emotions. Happy one period, near tears another, worried one period, relieved the next. My emotions were unstable and confusing and I just wanted to leave and not think about anything. Hung out for a little after school haha "glow plug." She picked me up and although I should've been nervous by this point it was almost routine...meet and greet right? Just hope he's nice. He wound up being the sweetest man I ever met and after speaking about the past, bisexuality and of course her. "We'll meet again at 3 next Tuesday?" "Sounds good" "Good, you're a very interesting person, I look forward to talking to you" "Thank you" We exchanged smile's and I left with a courteous handshake and "Nice to meet you"

I was in a pretty good mood we ran some errands and I got home fully intending to text her and go running to take advantage of the beautiful weather and try and stay in a good mood, plus I kinda missed the girl I'd come to consider my best friend after not having hung out much outside of school lately. She was in a good mood too and I must've read her mind. It was good exercise but all the talking and getting the drinks ended in walking home in freezing cold weather. I apologized several times, felt guilty and then simultaneously my down mood returned after coming down from the endorphin high. I drank the unfamiliar substance feeling like I could pass out any moment but I cared less about how I felt physically and more how I felt emotionally. You can't have it all right? Up all night yet again, but it's ok because I didn't feel down.

Wednesday, call me depression. I get ready oddly early and am out the door immediately, I grab my energy drink and mentally prepare myself after the long night. First period, again irritable, I go off on them even though they probably don't deserve it, but naturally they obey, frightened by my disposition. *Gulp* I keep drinking it, feeling the happiness flood back to me, I tell him bye and agree to help him rid himself of HIS bad emotions. I pass her by, have some flirty conversation even though she does have a boyfriend(eh it happens) I walk away non-chalantly, energy drink in hand, turning briefly only to catch her staring, it made me chuckle. Second period is filled with talk of the present and future, school, blah blah blah more shit to worry about.

Skip ahead to gym, total domination and then I find out I made into battle of the classes. Lunch is ok, but I feel my mood declining again, it's that familiar dreary feeling that just lingers unwanted. Upset the remainder of the school day. Two fire drills(like I felt motivated enough to get up that many times). People bitching about the outcome, don't really give a shit at this point. Extended is ridiculous and I never wanna go there again, an hour and a half of torture and more time to hate myself for loving all the wrong people, liking people for "a limited time only" and liking people I know I will never love, as much. Why is this getting to me again? Clear my head distract myself, call her to ask about impending plans of working out and get the expected answer. I get home and within an hour I lose all motivation, text her and let her know, I feel like doing it again. Why is this affecting me again when it's long in the past? I shouldn't care anymore, I won't.

I read briefly, skimming, shock written on my face but I shrug it off fooling myself. Why should I care? It's none of my business. I start playing that song I consider old by now on my guitar feeling each strum and lyric and without warning tears start streaming down my face. I still care after everything... my thoughts betray everything that I built, all the walls that I reconstructed come crashing down in an instant and it's as if those months have been an illusion, fully aware of vulnerability, I'm back there, but I refuse to open my eyes. I do care, but I won't let it show. "Don't be selfish, this is all in your head, you're not supposed to let me wander there," my thoughts seemingly shout at me. Why bother? There's no point, when all is said and done I'm not supposed to walk away, but instead stand there empty handed. Always has been like that, why would this be any different? Well I cleared that up, guess it's back to square one. Ah fuck it here we go again with the bad habits.

"I call it the musician's curse, three months and the challenge is gone, I guess I'm only the relationship type...theoretically" ~Crystal Calamitous~

"They say there's not many stories that haven't been told before
well I'm here to tell you the story about a beautiful young girl...." ~Crystal Calamitous~

"You gave me a reason to finish my songs,
because you are more beautiful to me than I will ever let you know
forever you will be the right to my wrongs
I'll hold you tight against my heart with no intention of letting go"

By ~Crystal Calamitous~ "Wishful thinking"(The Unfinished Ballad)

"I fly like paper get high like planes" ~MIA~

Tomorrow's gonna be fucking great (note the sarcasm)

You Want To Talk About Awkwardness or Will That Make You Feel Uncomfortable?

I think about the past, think about all the people that walked in and right back out of my life. How much of it was actually worth it? Whether or not I gained something from it isn't what I mean. What I mean is, how many people were worth meeting in the first place. If you know me well at all you know I over think things to the point of insanity, it makes my observations of people and situations alike, very thorough, but it usually ends up hurting me more than anyone else, it makes me too empathetic and often ends up bringing me down in one way or another. Although if it's to help someone else, particularly someone I love I've always done it regardless, that's not a choice to me.

The honest truth is if you really love someone whether it is as family, as a friend, a lover or a mentor, no matter what the case if you care about that person enough, you put the pride aside that sits between you and an acquaintance. Pride is something that is very important to me and it's not even for a reputation but for the sake of self-worth, so if you are really important to me you know it because I've most likely told you more truth than you would like to hear. That's more than I could say for several people though, you all like to point fingers at other people or situations all to avoid the actual problems or how you actually feel about someone or SOMETHING.

If you're hurt about something or disappointed, why take it out on someone for something that has nothing to do with you and is none of your business? Or why blame things that go wrong in your life on others when it's not their fault? If you're unhappy with something acknowledge it and express it, it's called com - un - ic -a - tion, it's that thing that two people that are "best friends" or are otherwise in a relationship have, without it you might as well not have a relationship at all (if you could call it that). How hard is it really to say "I feel *blah blah blah* because *insert explanation here*? But no you all have to bury your problems until it's impossible to save whats left of the friendship etc.

Out of honesty all of you that DO, do that are full of shit. There's no way around it, how can you call yourself a best friend when you obviously don't act the part? How can you say you love someone to everybody else and then when it's convenient say you're not sure how you feel? How can you say to someone, "I could never replace you" one day and then the next day, say "I met someone that can take your place". It's all bullshit, you know what? You're not obligated to give someone a title so if you don't mean it then don't say it, if someone doesn't mean something to you, don't tell the world they do, people are so engulfed with their own lives they don't care what someone means to you. So why put on a show when no one's watching? Tell the truth, express yourself and suck it up because at the end of the day what've you got to lose, when the only thing worth saving will be destroyed if you DON'T say it?


"Wouldn't the world be better off if we decide..
we don't need our pride anymore"

Hello, I'm Your Worst Nightmare Have You Been Dying to Test My Limits? Well Welcome, You Crossed the Line

Rage, you want to talk to me about rage? You don't know my past, the things I've done, the things I'm capable of. Granted if you're reading this you probably or definitely never will because let me tell you I do a good job of controlling it. Politically correct? Let me say FUCK THAT for once because guess what? Here comes the old me or a part of me because let me not lead you to believe I've been as much of a bitch as many of you think I am.

FUCK LIARS, AND CHEATERS, BETRAYERS, DECEIVERS, PRETENDERS, MISLEADERS and please please please! Forgive me if I missed any others of you that are scum and don't deserve one single thing that you have, no matter how UNFORTUNATE you fucking are. I'm done being so nice to people that don't deserve shit from me, you selfish assholes deserve everything you get and then some. You want to see this part of me, you think I kiss your ass too much and I'm there too much and I give a shit too much? Well then excuse me while I rearrange my priorities and change who I am for you all, you want neglect I'll neglect you like my father did me, treat you like I could care less only to feel guilty when something happens to you like I've watched happen to some, I hate the son of a bitch and I don't give a shit if I ever see him again.

So hate me, go ahead be my guest, I tried to give chances, I tried to give the benefit of the doubt, I tried to care about people's feelings because well I guess that's just me, too kind for my own good and I appreciate the people who feel the same, that are kind towards me without expecting anything in return or me to act any differently than I have, thank you for showing me that SOME people actually care. As for the rest of you, you want me to treat you like shit, like I have been treated? You want me to pass on the vicious cycle of hate and not care who it ends up hurting or killing because at some point that's what it winds up doing that's what causes suicide, some asshole who couldn't be a decent human being, treating someone they should appreciate like they mean less than nothing and letting it escalate to ridiculous proportions. What kind of people are around us that rather that happen to someone as long as it doesn't QUITE kill them. They can be miserable and hurt whoever they like, as long as they can get over it, who cares about the consequences? My patience is DONE, my temper is now cut in half and my faith in people diminished to it's very core.

You want to know what I know about hate? I know that three of my great-uncle's are dead because of it, ONE piece of shit for a father, one alcoholic, drunk, motherfucker that couldn't respect his wife, my wonderful great-grandmother that is going to be having surgery soon, that piece of shit drove them towards the same fucking habits, to numb the pain to try and erase the scars of the beatings, the daily drunken beatings and watching their mother nearly get killed several times, stealing, drugs, alcohol every bad habit you could imagine, followed by every consequence that follows them, THAT'S why I saw ONE die, THAT'S why I never met the other two, one of which was my amazing godfather, THAT'S why my great-grandmother had to bury three of her fucking sons in their 20's and is so negative, she actually expects people to die when they end up in a hospital.

That's what happens when people start thinking of themselves and stop caring about other people, when they put themselves first and say "Fuck you all, I'M the only one that's worth it." Did anybody ever tell you when you stop caring about other people and are too busy being there for yourself to be there for them, the ONE day when you need them most, they won't be there for you?

She ran for the window it was open screen and all, the window of the fifth floor, she jumped out and at the last moment she was caught by the gold chain that hung around her neck and pulled back to safety.

I wear that gold chain around my neck everyday and never forget the importance it holds, it saved a woman I love more than the world itself no matter what discrepancies there have been. She wouldn't be alive if it weren't for this very chain. Her mother's hate passed on from that very same, alcoholic father, my great-grandfather and almost ended her life, from the same habits, the same strand of uncaring and the very thing that could have caused me not to be here. You never know what could have stopped YOUR existence. The parents that beat their son and turned him into a murderer that could have slit your throat before you could even think twice. So now that you've thought about it let me say, TOO LATE, this is what you all wanted right? To be treated like this? To see my "bad side," to see me be a bitch FINALLY because I seem to never fight back? and you mistake that for weakness instead of what it really is? Well? That's what you've wanted all along right? Well you've got it, one cold bitch, with a side of "I don't give a shit" coming RIGHT up. You'll regret this.

"Don't Try and call me a hypocrite
Cause I will do what I want to"

November 8th at one in the morning I wrote this, completely out of my mind and overcome by one of many bad habits, I decided not to post it but why? That's not me I don't hide I face things whether they can break me down or not....

"My inhibitions are beyond reach right now, honestly I probably won't even remember writing this by tomorrow morning, but i could care less. All these vices are taking over and only pure desire courses through my veins. This will most likely be the only time I will ever write so informally and incorrectly merely because this is only raw emotion being poured out into paper. Vulgar is also synonymous with addiction, as in the ones that I have succumb to.I couldn't answer even to this moment if someone asked me why I fell in love, only that I did and I fell hard. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking though. In case no one has ever told you, love is the most contradictory of feelings. Sure when you're on top of cloud nine, the grass could never be greener and the sky ever clearer, but the heart break makes up for it because of course someone who could have the ability to put you in that state of euphoria could just as easily make you wish you didn't exist, make you feel like your best will never be good enough and anything that will reach their standards is well out of your reach. How is that possible? Far be it for me to make sense out of the unreasonable."

Now it is November 30th and that seems like a reverie, a delusion. I struck myself hard, I blame myself again, so what better thing to do than hurt the enabler? The silvery demon brushes against my skin and the vexation spews out as if it never belonged there, as if it is foreign to my body it leaks furiously tempting me to free it, whispering secrets that tell of the possibilities which come with it's release. It brushes me continuously soothing the pain and calming my aching chest, my heart beat softens from it's previous inexplicable frenzy and it reverts to normal beating. Like a lullaby, it beckons me to follow it, to remain in this bliss and never let it end, but those I love call me back, their piercing screams drowning out the soft lullaby and just like that the pain returns and rips me from my sweet 'almost' slumber, the harsh reality overcomes me, head spins from the deadly struggle and my stomach turns searching for that same familiar release but I stop it knowing I won't experience the same effect. It's just begun, but in a way it's finally over, I know now what I was looking for and now that I've found it I have to run the other way, towards that same old sanity that has become a distant memory. It won't be long now, it won't be long til it's all over.

"And It'll never be fair,
I wrote my songs for you
and you never even cared,
so I'll forget you
I'll wash your T-shirt
kill the pillow and
cut you out of pictures"

Now it will be the new and the newer and I won't go back there again, for if I do the silvery demon will drown out the piercing screams and pull me into it's waiting arms. Formerly known as...

Eradicate My Heart For I'll Destroy It With My Own Unattainable Desire, Just Keep Breathing

"Sweet red cherry blossom tree
that lives in both you and me
You marked your name
but I can see, its not on me
So I've shamelessly gone
and made myself come undone
Heavy hangs my head when I'm Unhearted."

"You're really sweet, I hope you fall in love with someone who loves you just as much"

Such sweet words from such a good girl and I know she means them, an actual friend I have been able to speak to about the thoughts I struggle with and the turmoils of my heart. I can only hope, more so than her for those word's fulfillment. It's simply amazing where we end up, the things you go after are always just out of reach and the one's you don't want seem to pile one after the other, strangling you, suffocating you as you lay in their grasp. But, I do suppose that those who you sought after are being affected in such ways by you, in a sensible world that is...then again whoever called the world in which we reside, sensible by any means? There is of course the things that escape you, the places where you never thought to look, that which you want but never cared to glance at, the unexpected so to speak and that is the simple shred of hope that keeps me a hopeless romantic.


I'm miserable at best but no one would ever guess in the overjoyed way that I carry myself, in my effortless composure. But it's not effortless is it? Everyday I awake and bury a part of myself in order to prevent my very own destruction. Why pretend though? Why not show my true face?....Why should I when no one cares? Whether I show the truth or lie it will make no difference, everything will remain unchanged and the past will still exist merely in the past.


I feel it overcoming more than ever now, that intense selfishness, the one that calls me into seclusion and bids me to deceive, to protect myself, to ensure that I will never be hurt. There lies consequences in every decision, to love is to risk not being loved in return, to hope is to risk pain, to try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard of all is to risk nothing. I have learned that if you stand still nothing will change and you will go nowhere in life. So why do I remain intent on standing exactly where I have been for so long? Because I have remained here so long, I have forgotten what movement is and fear there is no surface around me, this meaning...if I step...will I fall?


Oh how I could never admit to you how you truly and completely destroyed my life, without even meaning to in your own selfishness. How could you do that to me? Your baby girl, your only daughter. It sickens me that you don't even feel the slightest remorse for your actions, that you carry on as a bottom feeder as I narrowly miss taking your path and losing everything that means anything to me. I struggle with my demons, fighting my own conscience to hold tight what has done me good, those I love and wish to trust. But it will never be full, all because of you will it? I will never trust whole-heartedly...or love, you shattered that for me didn't you? After all if you could only love me in such a conditional way, what other human being could possibly love me unconditionally? As is proven right, over and over again, by anyone I have dared to reveal my vulnerability to.


You know I blame myself everyday, for all of it. I try to rationalize it in a logical sense, but this will never be logical, on the contrary it will only exist as illogical. Who I am has always been the fullest sense of the word. My mind could not get more complicated, so I do not often follow it's thoughts. I lead my actions with my heart, for at least then I know they are pure, unlike what yours have been. I find myself retracing your steps at times and I deviate making my own, for I will not let myself become in any which way what you are.


Not good enough, that's what my beating heart shouts at me. Not good enough for him, not good for her, not good enough for anybody else. What has happened to me? In a matter of months everything that I fought so hard to hide from my very own thoughts has come seeping out, flooding my very being and being exposed to those that surround me, piece by piece. I haven't the slightest clue how much longer I can last, how much longer these oceans can be held by nets, I only know that it won't be forever. I'm fighting the tides and it's a losing battle, so I swim in an attempt to escape and all along I just keep breathing.


~Crystal Calamitous~

Turn Up the Music and Drown It Out Because Nothing's Worse Than This Sound

Overflowing with thoughts...as if this is something new for me.

"You are incapable of loving someone if you can't love yourself," she says.

Cliche? Yes. True? Who can say?

"Not everyone is the same you can't place all of humanity in the same category, maybe there is such a selfless love where you would undoubtedly give anything and everything blindly. Maybe there comes a day where you fall unconditionally and irrevocably in love with someone without reason." Is what I say.

"That's foolish," is what I think to myself, "crazy even," another hushed thought.

There was other words exchanged and still I left the discussion, views unaltered.

Love. Simply a four letter word and yet, it is the meaning behind it that holds significance. It is sacrifice, it IS selflessness and an inexplicable connection immediately, a sense of trust without time and a closeness that cannot be forgotten. There does not exist a moment where you put yourself before that other person because as it is said, "To the world you are but one person...but to one person you are the world." I hold those words close to my heart.

How can one continue to have such faith in humanity in a world like ours? I could never answer that question for I wonder sometimes how long I myself can hold on to that faith. It's been slipping lately I've even contemplated changing schools, starting new, getting away from my past, although I'm not one to run. That looming feeling of unfathomable loneliness is overcoming me, one that could not be satisfied in the most populated of places.

She says it will fade and I lay there studying her face, I see nothing but truth in her crystal blue eyes and slight relief washes over me momentarily. Then I think of the past and I know it will take a lot longer than she anticipates, perhaps longer than I do. I see a solution, starting over, but is that an impossibility? I cannot be sure. At this point she has become my unattainable dream, so where so we go from here? Only time will tell. For now I will simply drown out the noise with music, as I have always done.

And when you're spinnin' round and round I'm the psycho goin outta control

Lie, trick, deceive, all things that are considered wrong and of a bad nature, or so it would seem. We are all guilty of committing these wrong deeds at least once and I of course am no different. You have now grown the conception that I have done them merely for what they symbolize, to hurt, and cause misery, but I haven't at least not this particular time.

The only one I hurt was myself and I have no regrets, I planned it from the moment I knew there would be confusion involved, any hint of inner struggles and I slowly got into character as I have always done to spare others. I guess that's the advantage of being an actress, no one really has to know the truth unless you allow them to see it. Have I just revealed my secret? Seemingly yes, but these words will never have meaning for the task has been accomplished.

I did it for you and I did it for her, it seems crazy I know but I would rather you both be happy and yes if I must be engulfed in the chaos I will gladly throw myself among it and assure you that there is no choice. There never was and there never will be, but I wanted you to ostracize me, I did - give you reason to detach yourself not make you feel guilt because you have no reason to. Why do I sabotage myself and the chances I am given? Because I truly believe that no person will ever be fully satisfied with seeing who I am.

Cancer, known as the sensitive sign, but with time grows a harder shell, good right? No because it is true with time I have become stronger but with that shell came detachment, encasement. Trust issues? That would perhaps be the largest understatement I have ever heard, more than anyone will ever know. With the betrayal I have endured, my tears have run dry and I no longer cry for things that once felt so significant, but now I face something worse than hurt, I face isolation.

Whoever knew that in a crowd of hundreds, even when having the best time of your life, you could feel so very alone? I've closed off the world, my friends, my family, nobody really has any idea anymore, because of what? Fear? What am I so afraid of? Oh yeah, everyone proving me right, like they always do. It is true I tricked you into proving me right, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that somewhere in my subconcious thoughts...I wanted you to be the one person to prove me wrong.

For a Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic

I don't really know when it is that I woke up and everything was ok, I think it was that last time that I let everything out....only I didn't. I know there's so many things left to fix and so many problems that are forming in my head and out. It's ok it really is. I guess I just realized that everything can be a last time. The last "hello", the last "I love you", the last "goodbye". How could I live with myself if I took it all for granted? I couldn't. That's the honest truth.

Every possible thing that could go wrong did, I lost someone that I loved more than the world itself and the people that I had first cared for as family had dropped me like it was a meaningless task. The only thing I kept saying was, "It WON'T get better", "Before this year ends it will become everything that I hoped it wouldn't be." For one split second I gave up hope and didn't want to bother trying anymore. It wasn't worth it, none of it was worth it, I no longer meant anything to anyone so why bother?

I was scared, that was my biggest thing. Fear wasn't something I often felt....that scared me the most. What was I gonna do when I left? I had no idea, for once in my life I hadn't the slightest clue where I was headed in life. I was always the person that everybody needed, the person that everybody came to with every disappointment in life no matter how big or small it didn't matter....I still am. But, for how long? Until high school ended? Until college ended? How long until the only person who needs me..is me? Of course my family loves me, I know that, but once I left they would no longer need me, it's just the reality. So it's true I have grown familiar with the notion that everyone leaves.

Why did I care so much? Why do I? All everybody ever does is prove me right. Every last person that I hoped wouldn't, DID. So why do I care so much? Why do I have so much faith in people when no one gives me a reason to?

Sometimes I dream of running away from everything and everyone. Who would miss me? Who would be happy I left? I don't know, I can never answer that question.

I'll write another day, it's too much right now. I won't be scared again. I won't go back to that place.

"Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while
You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape." Relient K

Because of You

So I can't even begin to explain how many times you've won. How many times I've let myself believe that I ruined everything, that I'm the fuck-up. And you know that about me, you were the first person I ever let in and you took advantage of every single thing you learned about me. You used me, you turned the people closest to my heart against me and made sure that when you decided to leave, my heart would be left broken and bleeding. You know how much it hurts, you know how much I cared for you.


You know that in every friendship or relationship I've ever had I've ALWAYS blamed myself for everything that went wrong. It's what I do, when I say it's my fault, I mean it because it always is. I'm the reason everything falls apart because there was always one more thing I could have done to stop it and that kills me inside. I know you feel guilt, you are hurtful but still human and still I believe there is a part of you that knows you let go of someone that would've always been there to catch you.


You threw every single thing you ever did for me in my face and I responded with nothing. I said what I felt...hurt, shocked, broken, but never once did I fight back, never once did I name all the things I did for YOU, never once did I tell you that you didn't have the smallest right to call me selfish after what I sacrificed. Everything I did WAS for you not me, or have you honestly convinced yourself that I actually did something for myself for once?


Funny....that's what you wanted, you wanted me to finally think of myself for once and stop worrying so much about every body's feelings and when I was honest with you what good came of it? Then again from what you told me it's what you wanted for a long time. It was a revelation, it uncovered all the lies, all the broken promises, it showed me the person that you could be and that in reality you could turn against anyone, no matter how much they had done for you.


You were my hope for man kind, my little shred of proof that people aren't always what everybody judges them to be and in that one moment, the one when I found it was all a lie, those hopes all came crashing down. I spiraled to disaster and almost lost all faith in humanity because without my knowing I had put it into your hands to hold and keep safe and you had thrown it over your shoulder without the slightest desire to look back.


You proved to me what I had known all along, no one truly cares, they would save themselves before saving you anytime, they would gladly run away when things got too difficult, they would kick you when your at your lowest and then stand over you and laugh at your pain. Because many people thrive on cruelty, they feed off of it and even the people that you think you know the best have the power to completely betray you in one short instance.


I will never be you, i will never let the ones I love, perish as I walk away unscathed. You see that's the difference between you and I. I will always surrender everything to those I love and you will only run in fear never surrendering a single thing. You will keep running, leaving disaster wherever you go, wreaking havoc upon innocent hearts that will plead to protect you, not knowing you will ultimately cast them aside as if they meant nothing to you. If only you knew all the things I never said so that you would not feel pain. All the words that went unspoken and the feelings that were buried.


The last thing you called me was selfish, that I had changed and only thought of myself and that was the thing you convinced everybody around you. That I used you and I was constantly causing you pain and agony. And of course the money was brought up on several occasions, for gas, the thing that was bought for us to do things together. I didn't need anything from you at all, nothing but your friendship, I could have taken care of everything else myself, but you never said ANYTHING, all you said was you wanted to, that if I needed it you would give it to me and foolish as I was I believed you...never again.


When everything begins to unravel the harsh reality is that you will be left standing alone because the people you will eventually surround yourself with, in the midst of your destructive behavior will be just like you, merely pretenders and then you'll see yourself for who you truly are.


One day you will find an envelope, a simple piece of mail on you're doorstep, in it a large sum of money and written on top of it, seven simple words..

"For everything you ever wasted on me."

The Days Are Numbered

Soon. I will find myself in a car, driving to determine my future.

Soon. I will find myself in a car sitting in the passenger seat, waiting to arrive at a place that may determine my future.

Soon. I will find myself in a car, leaving a place that is filled with potential and growth.




Passing is the first step, for it will give me that which I need to add myself to a list of thousands.

Being admitted is the second, for it will give me the key to my dreams.

Making it.....that's when it becomes real.

I want it...I want it more than anything, it is my passion, it is my heart and soul, but it is not my full happiness. That, is contained within love and within love only. There is things that will be left behind, people that I am not ready to leave. Friendships that may or may not become more. And if I make it? What becomes of that? A question I cannot answer.

Now I feel fear, anxiousness, hurt, disappointment, determination, love, hate, confusion, hope. The problem isn't not knowing how i feel, but rather feeling too much at once. I seem undecided now, but when the moment comes I will not hesitate, I will go for it without looking back and reach a new level. I will doing anything to realize my dreams.

But what could I be leaving behind?

One year. That's how long I have, one year until the strings are cut and I find myself faced with a forbidden ocean, one that once seemed like a pond, with the amount of restrictions put upon it, but no longer will. I am not afraid of the things that I will encounter or the experiences that I will have. I am afraid of what I am leaving behind. Not afraid of it exactly....more afraid of missing it, all of it.

I can't wait....I can wait...I can't decide.
That's the problem. Ugh.

The First Step is Admitting it

Not so long ago I found myself at your resting place, but I was not ready to leave the car. My mom wanted to go see you, she wanted to feel your presence again and she still does. We all want to, we all go through the roller coaster of thinking you're here and then realizing you're gone. But it never really ends, we awake the next morning in the past only to repeat the same process over and over again. I wonder how long it's going to take to get used to it, to remain in that state of acceptance, the one in which we miss you, but know that you're really gone and that it will be a while until we find ourselves with you again. Again someone close to me passed away and I felt overwhelmed with guilt...not with regrets, I never regret anything. I believe everything happens for a reason and that every experience no matter how small or large becomes a part of who we are and betters us in the most unexpected ways.

But I did feel guilt, the same guilt I felt only a few short years ago. I wanted to be there. No matter how painful it would have been, I wanted to be by your side that very morning, that very moment, telling you I loved you more than anything in the world and that I cared about you more than could ever be put into words. Of course I know you knew, I don't wonder that, but nonetheless no one can help but wish that they said more, did more, showed more. My mom said I wouldn't have wanted to see you like that, that you were in so much pain I would have cried and made you feel worse, but I would've hid it, I would've given anything to know what was to come, to have my chance to say goodbye, even if no matter what, it would not prepare me for the next day or months. I just wanted to hug you one last time and put all my emotions into that one embrace...but it is in the past, it is something that I cannot change and if I remain trapped in that moment in time I may never move on. For if we live in the past, we have no present...no future.

I did say 'I love you' two days before, when i sat and prayed and asked for one thing and one thing only. I didn't bargain, I didn't plead and my intentions were all but selfish. I asked for you to stop suffering...even if it meant I had to suffer...even if it meant we all had to suffer. It was our turn because you had been put through so much pain already. You lived 20 years more than was possible, escaped death once and had for the past few months been through the worst of it. Never had I met someone who was put through so much that had such strength and put up such a fight.

I was there during it all. Numerous amounts of hospital rooms, tests, accidents, episodes, all which could be put into one super-category...suffering. The ICU was perhaps the worst, you didn't even remember being there, but it was something that I'll never forget. I can still hear the monotonous beeping of the machines and the constant whistle of the respirator, a sound that i will not soon forget and a sound that often haunts my mind and dreams...or rather nightmares. But the worst of it was where all the machines led to. There was tubes everywhere, all around your neck, in your mouth, in your nose, IVs in your arm, and even in that sedated state you felt pain, you groaned upon feeling all the mess of technology around your body. When you finally awoke you could not even speak a comprehensible sentence and instead of forming words you made sounds.

From then on it was ups and downs, but there was not one second that you weren't in pain emotionally and physically. We all experienced many things and underwent many changes, we worried, we prayed, we kept hope and uplifted people's spirits along the way, we made many friends and they still call our family to ask how we are holding up. Everybody loved you, we all still do. I wonder if this very moment there are people praying for you, unknowing to the fact that you have passed away. There probably are.

But that is not the man that I will remember, I will only refer to that time as a symbol of your strength and as time that I spent by your side.

It wasn't the cemetery that made me think of you...it did, but only of the fact that you were gone and, I felt the sting of a void and emotions of emptiness hurt brought me to tears. It was the smallest thing. I was looking through my drawers and found the lock that you gave me when I was a little girl, the one that I could never open after not using it for so long. I remembered how I went to you when I couldn't recall the combination and how you always did no matter how long it had been. I sat there spinning it a few times determined to decipher it and after a few tries it all came rushing back to me from the past. I turned the dial hesitantly...right.....left.....right................click. I remembered it, I don't know how I remembered it, but when it opened I smiled and thought of you.

Strange how it's the little things that always stay with you, surely one of the reasons I spend so much time doing little things for the one's I love. I have so many memories, but even in this state of pain I do not wish to forget them. The emotional morphine has been taken as I come face to face with the reality....I am ready. Finally.

You'll always and forever be in my heart and every time I see a baseball game, or a park...every time I feel the streaming sunlight or a gentle breeze...it'll remind me of you. I may not always stop and think about it, but it will.

I miss you.
I love you.
I'll see you again.
One day<3

Is This Really Goodbye?

I sit here reflecting on how things once were, but I wonder if what they seemed back then is the truth. I've been engulfed by hurt to the point where I no longer recognize true happiness and what little is left of it, is only temporary, only lasts a fraction of a second until reality sinks in. The numbness I felt since my grandfather passed away, only grew stronger with every word we spoke to each other. I had no intention of causing pain, but in speaking the truth, that is exactly what happened. At first I felt remorse, I felt as if I had broken something that was fragile beyond comprehension. But then as I sat and thought, I realized that what I caused to happen needed to occur. It was an unintentional test, a divine intervention that revealed everything as it existed in it's true form. I read and re-read every word I spoke, or rather didn't speak, crying and wanting to take back everything I had said. And I dreamt of the days when I ignored what I felt no matter how badly it hurt because compared to this giant void I would rather feel pain, deception, disappointment, betrayal --for all of the worlds darkest emotions would never compare to that which overcomes me now....emptiness. That's when I had an epiphany, none of it was hurtful, none of it vindictive or manipulative. It was the truth, how i felt, nothing more, nothing less. If I could have said it to suit her needs I know it would not be my true feelings, for what I said was passion, raw emotion, my heart poured out into words. If she showed me she cared more, that she'd rather make it over the "bump in the road", to speak of the imperfections that seemed so forbidden, to admit everything and reveal anything, whether it meant being right or wrong, instead of pretending as if none of it exists and continuing through life enjoying the pleasantries and ignoring the complications, I don't know what I would do, for I have already familiarized myself with the idea that all good things come to an end, after all that's what our friendship is, good...or rather to me, incredible. And all that continues rushing through my thoughts is, after all that has happened, after all the trust developed, all the secrets kept, all the promises made...

Is this really goodbye?